I should confess at the outset that I think astrology is utter nonsense so this person’s attempt to pair with beer the twelve zodiac signs already seems to me to be an exercise in futility, a complete waste of time insofar as I can see no way such a list could ever be remotely useful or accurate. That being said, I can’t help but be curious about her choices. The list was complied by Fern Feto Spring and yes, that’s actually her name. She’s been a professional astrologer since 1990, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and writes primarily at her website Wisestars. To say I find it strange that she’d even attempt to divine what beers people should be drinking according to when they were born is an understatement. Do the results speak for themselves? Oh yeah, but I’ll interject a bit anyway.

Here’s her introduction:

There are as many different types of beer as there are people, with a myriad of brands and flavors to choose from. So whether you prefer light or dark beer, ale or stout, there is a beer out there for you. But do you know which beer is most likely to satisfy the inner workings of your astrological sign? Read on to find out what the cosmos have to say about one of America’s most popular beverages.

Where to begin. First of all, if we’re talking about alcoholic beverages, beer is America’s most popular beverage, not one of them, outselling the nearest competitor at least four to one. And, of course, stout is an ale, so I’m not sure about the distinction she’s making there.

So here are her suggestions for what beer should be your favorite, depending on your zodiac sign. If you want to read the full write-ups and her apparent rationale for choosing each beer, check out both part 1 and part 2. To give you an example, here’s the full write-up for Pisces, which is what I happen to be:

Gentle Pisces, your sensitive and poetic imagination encourages you to seek out a beer that has a slightly sweet flavor and an easy finish. You prefer light beers with a fruity signature. Paradise Ale has a flowery influence that is perfect for your artistic self. This beer mixes both new and traditional influences to create a taste that was made for you.

I confess I had to look up the beer, which is one of Theakston’s seasonal beers, Paradise Ale. As far as I know, it’s not one they import and though I’ve been to the UK countless times, I don’t believe I’ve ever run across it. That alone makes it an odd choice. You’d think she would have chosen beers people might actually have a good shot at finding.

The full list:

• Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Anchor Humming Ale
• Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): Theakston Paradise Ale
• Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Killian’s Irish Red (Coors)
• Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): Guinness Stout
• Gemini (May 21–June 21): Corona, with a slice of lime
• Cancer (June 22–July 22): Newcastle Brown Ale
• Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Chimay
• Virgo (Aug. 23–Sep. 22): Anchor Summer Ale
• Libra (Sep. 23–Oct. 23): Smithwick’s Draught
• Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): Theakston Old Peculiar
• Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Russian River Pliny the Younger
• Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Samuel Smith Indian Pale Ale (sic)

It’s an eclectic list to say the least. Two Anchor beers, one which they’ll likely not be making very often. Two from Theakston. Smithwick’s Irish Ale was imported around 2004, but has since been pulled from the American market. The list is certainly UK heavy given that she’s in the Bay Area. On the plus side, she’s included Pliny the Elder and Chimay, though not specifying which Chimay. But then there’s Corona, Killian’s and Newcastle.

As I said at the outset, silly and pointless, but there you have it. I’m stuck on an airplane with nothing but silly and pointless to entertain me. Perhaps instead of the cliched pick-up line “what’s your sign” this will inspire people to change it to “what’s your beer?” That’s a line I could get behind.

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