If Batman Was A Beer Drinker

Jay Brooks

16 years ago

If you’re like me you probably don’t have six-pack abs, but now you can at least wear a six-pack on your abs. Thanks to Urban Outfitters, you can carry a six-pack of bottles (or cans, as far as I can tell) on their new Beer Belt.

If Batman were a beer drinker, his utility belt might look something like this.

Here’s the description from their website catalog listing:

Finally! Yes, it’s the life-changing, prayer-answering, best-idea-anyone’s-ever-had invention of the century! Cause seriously, holding a beer is exhausting! And don’t even get us started on holding 6 beers. Whew! But thankfully, the long dark days of arm-breaking party beer-holding are over. Say “hello” to your new best friend, the Beer Belt! This sturdy nylon belt feature 6 plastic cup holders, sized to fit cans or bottles. Fully adjustable, with a plastic buckle. Imported. Wipe clean.

I can’t say I understand what would need to be “wiped clean.” That frightens me a little, but I imagine there are at least a few instances when this might come in handy. Tailgating leaps to mind.

Or perhaps hiking through the woods in the hopes of getting drunk enough to get lost and racking up a lot of tax-payer dollars to rescue your sorry ass. It would certainly make a long plane ride more bearable, provided your were seated next to a bathroom and it was before the 21st Century when air travel was still civilized.

But back to Batman. If he had a Beer Belt, he wouldn’t need to carry those cans and would be better prepared should the dynamic duo need to perform some feat of daring-do on the way to a birthday party.

I can only presume that “life-changing, prayer-answering, best-idea-anyone’s-ever-had invention of the century” is just a bit of hyperbole or what in the sales game is called “puffing.” Hilarious.

What’s perhaps even more amazing is that Urban Outfitter’s beer belt is not the only one. There’s also a canvas one that’s designed for both cans and bottles with the website TheBeerBelt.com. The canvas one even has a seventh slot for a deck of cards or, more realistically, a pack of cigarettes. There’s even a zippered money pouch for cash, credit cards and that all-important I.D. card to prove you’re old enough to drink no matter how old you are.

Here’s how they describe the canvas beer belt:

Having TheBeerBelt™ ensures you will never be out of reach from your next beer. Why leave the party to grab another cold one when you have six more in reach? TheBeerBelt™ will hold six, twelve ounce cans or bottles of beer around your waist. Each belt is constructed with waterproof ballistic nylon.

An oversized buckle and waist strap makes the belt extremely durable and it will withstand the hardest of partiers. A zipper pocket on the back is perfect for carrying items such as money, IDs and credit/debit cards. Also, a small Velcro pocket on the front will hold a cell phone, pack of cigarettes, playing cards or whatever you wanna stuff in there. TheBeerBelt™ is perfect to bring to parties, NASCAR events, fishing trips, or anywhere you plan on drinking.

But can it be wiped clean?

The only beer belt I’ve ever heard of is the geographic one in Europe that runs from Great Britain southeast to Austria and Slovakia, which separates the wine belt in the southwest and the vodka belt to the northeast.

The Beer Belt on what I can only presume is a real live human being.