I can only assume that the UK pub chain Taylor Walker is, in the appropriate British parlance, taking the piss, with their commissioning of Mindlab to discover the formula for “the perfect pint.” Though there is a Mind Lab at the University of Sussex, this bit of news is not listed in their news or press section. At any rate, they claim to have “used complex mathematical modelling techniques to discover what conditions are required to enjoy the perfect pint.”

So what is the formula for a perfect pint?

Here goes: E = -(0.62T2 + 39.2W2 + 62.4P2) + (21.8T + 184.4W + 395.4P + 94.5M – 90.25V) + 50(S + F + 6.4)

- E is a factor describing overall enjoyment.
- T is the ambient temperature in degrees Celsius.
- W is the number of days until you are required back at work.
- P is the number of people with whom you are drinking.
- M is related to your mood whilst drinking the pint.
- V is related to the volume of the music being played.
- S and F are related to the availability of snacks and food.

Without the number variants, so slightly simpler, it’s E = -(T^{2}+W^{2}+P^{2}) + (T+W+P+M-V) + 50(S+F+6.4), though it’s hardly E = MC^{2}. Below a presumed “scientist” — he is after all, wearing a lab coat and surrounded by books and beakers — explains it all: