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Your Beer Personality

I enjoy personality quizzes, actually quizzes of almost any kind, so I’m not necessarily predisposed to find fault with them. But this one is another story. There’s a website called Blogthings that has literally almost 300 quizzes for people to use on their blogs, presuambly to spice them up with something fun. Most are five questions with several choices each. Their tagline is Cool Things to Put In Your Blog.

A friend sent me this one, it’s “What’s Your Beer Personality?” Five questions, six possible answers to each one, and it purports to tell you your beer personality by determining what beer you are based on your answers. There are 7,775 different possible ways to answer the five questions but as far as I can tell from playing around with the quiz, there are only six different personalities possible: Bud Light, Guinness, Heineken, Olde English and Sam Adams.

I realize this things are just for fun, they’re not meant to be taken too seriously. But it seems to me they should bear at least some passing resemblence to reality. Whoever put this quiz together apparently knows nothing about beer and thinks there are only six personality types. I certainly wasn’t expecting a Westmalle Tripel personality or Rodenbach Grand Cru but not even a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale? And the beers don’t really seem to fit the personalities, but they do say a lot about stereotypes many people have about beer and what certain brands mean or have come to mean through marketing and advertising.
 

Here are the 6 beer personalities:

You’re not fussy when it comes to beer. If someone hands it to you, you’ll drink it. In fact, you don’t understand beer snobbery at all. It all tastes the same once you’re drunk! You’re an enthusiastic drinker, and you can often be found at your neighborhood bar. You’re pretty good at holding your liquor too – you’ve had lots of experience.

Okay, this one’s near the mark. If you’ll drink this beer, you will drink anything and not notice the difference. It all tastes the same, even if you’re not drunk.

You don’t drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk. You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that’s hardly a beer at all. And while you make not like the taste of beer, you like the feeling of being drunk. You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is you!

How could you, at least not if this is your choice. “Hardly a beer at all.” Hilarious. Corona was the answer to the question “what is your least favorite beer?” when posed to Michael Jackson when he was a guest on the Conan O’Brien Show in April of this year.

You know beer well, and you’ll only drink the best beers in the world. Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them. When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all – especially about subjects you don’t know well. But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

This was the one I got when I answered the questions seriously, and it’s pretty sad that in the mind of the quiz, this is one the best beers the world has to offer. Which of the at least eleven different recipes of Guinness brewed worldwide are they talking about? Hopefully not that abomination that Diageo foisted on America, the widget bottle, which tried to undo decades of progress by marketing it to be consumed directly from the bottle. It’s also funny that they claim Guinness drinkers don’t like their beer watered down, since Guinness is a low alcohol beer and not heavy at all.

You appreciate a good beer, but you’re not a snob about it. You like your beer mild and easy to drink, so you can concentrate on being drunk. Overall, you’re a friendly drunk who’s likely to buy a whole round for your friends… many times. Sometimes you can be a bit boring when you drink. You may be prone to go on about topics no one cares about.

This is a bit surprising, since all of Heineken’s advertising is aimed at creating a perception of sophistication and premium quality, despite the fact of its legendary skunkiness. This, along with Corona, is one of the world’s worst beers. That it’s so popular is a testament to the advertising industry. That it is a personality is truly frightening.

Drinking is more than a hobby for you. It’s your favorite drug. When you drink, you want to get wasted. As quickly and cheaply as possible. Looking back on your best times drinking… well, you don’t remember them at all. You may be a few brain cells short, but you still can chug a 40!

This one’s just too easy. I guess there must really be people like this. Malt liquor does sell, after all.

You’re fairly easy to please when it comes to beer – as long as it’s not too cheap. You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you’re the type most likely to take a “beers of the world” tour. When you get drunk, you’re fearless. You lose all your inhibitions. You’re just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place.

This one doesn’t even make much sense to me. It’s not like Sam Adams beer is expensive. And frankly, why is a “‘beers of the world’ tour” a bad thing? Or changing your choice of beer? As the only beer personality in the canon approaching craft beer, I can’t understand why it’s not the pinnacle.

Alright, I know this whole thing is pretty silly, but it was a quiet Sunday. Don’t take my word for it. Take the quiz for yourself. See what your beer personality is.

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