Monty Python’s “The Philosopher’s Song“

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, [some versions have ‘Schopenhauer and Hegel’]

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya ’bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away—
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
‘I drink, therefore I am.’

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he’s pissed.

Composed by Eric Idle for Monty Python’s Flying Circus
The song appeared in Episode 22: How To Recognize Different Parts Of The Body.
Recorded September 25, 1970, Aired November 24, 1970

I saw the Bruce’s Philosopher’s Song performed live at the City Center in New York when my parents let me take my first unchaperoned trip to the Big Apple in 1976, when I was 17. It’s still one of my favorite Monty Python bits and I remain a huge fan of the show and much of the individual members’ later work, as well. Below are some videos of the song.

The original song with the philosopher’s images.

And here’s one with text.

This version is live at the Hollywood Bowl.

And here’s the entire original skit the song first appeared in.