I’m a sucker for quizzes of all stripes, be they tests of trivia, intelligence or knowledge. To me, the best pubs are the ones that host a trivia night once a week. My local when I lived in Cupertino, California, many years ago, the Britannia Arms, had a trivia league Tuesday nights with regular teams and season standings leading to a grand prize winner. It was great fun, and my only point is that I love to take tests. Weird, I know, but I even like to take those mostly meaningless personality tests. Case in point, there are a number of these that claim to determine what kind of beer you are based on a few questions about your personality. The latest one I stumbled upon, The If You Were A Beer Test, is on OK Cupid, an online dating website and was created by a 25-year old female member living in New York City, Gwendolyn Books.

There are nine simple questions, and she’s divided the quiz results into dark & bitter, working class, and genuine, presumably three questions apiece since my own score was 66% dark & bitter, 33% working class, 100% genuine and my own beer was Guinness, which the quiz claims as follows:

Okay, we all know Guinness is the best possible score on any “What Kind Of Beer Are You” test, so you can just go on and pat yourself on the back now. Like the world’s most famous brew, you’re genuine, you’ve got good taste, and you’re sophisticated. What else can I say, except congratulations?

If your friends didn’t score the same way, get ready for them to say: Guinness is too heavy; it’s an acquired taste; it’s too serious — and they probably think those things about you at times. But just brush ’em off. Everybody knows Guinness is the best. Cheers.

I don’t who she means by “everybody” but, of course, I don’t consider Guinness to be anywhere near the best. It’s not a bad beer per se, but it’s certainly lost its iconic status in my eyes, though I realize quite a number of people do still revere it. My wife, sadly, got Corona which, to her credit, she finds every bit as disgusting as I do. And in the end, that’s why as much I love these kinds of things they always tend to disappoint, because the range of beer in these things is decidedly narrow, despite the following cute little ditty that appears just before your beer personality is revealed.

If you were a beer, which would you be?
A Guinness, Sam Adams, or Old Milwaukee?

Do you have a thick head? Are you dark, are you skunked?
Aged at the hands of obscure Trappist Monks?

Are you stout, are you bitter, oaky like Fall,
Or like most of my coworkers, with no taste at all?

However you are, here’s one test you can’t flunk,
All beers are okay, so long as you’re drunk.

At least she’s aware of Trappist Monks, Samuel Adams and the fact that beer can be skunked (especially popular brands like Corona and Heineken), and that put this quizmaster above most, if not all, of the other similar quizzes I’ve taken in the past. Still, I only have myself to blame. I guess I’ll have to add to my growing list of things I’d like to do in my copious free time making a quiz that’s more geared toward the many different styles of beer and the many different personality types. That could be fun. With my personality, though, I’d probably end up a sour beer.

What kind of beer are you? Not much here you’re fond of? I feel your pain.