Beer Humor

Normisms (from Cheers):

Coach: How are you doing, Norm?
Norm: Cut the small talk and get me a beer.

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what’s up?
Norm: The warranty on my liver.

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: I heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.

Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?

Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

Well, look at you. You look like the cat the swallowed the canary.
Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.

What’ll you have, Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, and fast women.
How ’bout a beer?
Norm: Even better.

Beer, Norm?
Norm: Naah, I’d probably just drink it.

What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down?

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I’m high on life, Coach…. Of course, beer is my life.

Coach: How’s a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.

Sam: What’s new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach. They’re demanding beer.

Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.

Sam: What’d you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimmie another beer.

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?
Norm: Nope, but I am willing to add on.

Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that’ll get me a beer.

What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uh, how about a first one?

Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: (scratching his beard) Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer, I think I’ll just drown the little suckers.

Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink. And down it goes.

Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn’t it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.

Woody: What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, “Insert beer here.”

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Alright, but stop me at one…. make that one-thirty.

Little early in the day for a beer, isn’t it Norm?
Norm: so float a corn flake in it.

“What’s the story, Norm?”
“Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

“How about a beer, Norm?”
“That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!”

Woody: What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.

Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, ah, take the day off, Sam.

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean, “Nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.”

Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Uh, Coach, I Dunno’, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I’m still young.

Coach: What’ll it be, Normie?
Norm: Just the usual Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

Sam: What’s going on, Normie?
Norm: my birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.

Woody: How’s it hanging, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Better when my butt is hanging off this bar stool with a beer in my hand.
 
 

The Buffalo Theory:

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this….A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.”
 
 

Room For Beer: A Philosophy of Life:

“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a “VERY LARGE” and empty mayonnaise jar. He proceeded to fill it with rocks, which were about 2 inches in diameter. He filled the jar to the top!

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They said, “Yes.”

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. They rolled into place, all around the rocks. He shook the jar lightly. This allowed him to pour more pebbles in, until they were up to the top of the jar.

He again asked the students if the jar was full. They said, “Yes.”

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled the spaces between the pebbles.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students wondered what the right answer was this time, wondering what else could be poured into the jar.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces in the sand. The students mumbled.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The rocks are the important things — your family, your partner, your health, and your children. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks! The same goes for your life. If you spend all of your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first . . . the things that really matter . ..then the pebbles.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand (the little stuff)!”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”
 
 

New Beer Label Warnings:

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
 
 

Monty Python’s “The Philosopher’s Song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, [later versions have ‘Schopenhauer and Hegel’]

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya ’bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away—
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
‘I drink, therefore I am.’

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he’s pissed.

Composed by Eric Idle for Monty Python’s Flying Circus
The song appeared in Episode 22: How To Recognize Different Parts Of The Body.
Recorded September 25, 1970, Aired November 24, 1970
 
 

10 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Religion

  • 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
  • 9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
  • 8. Beer has never caused a major war.
  • 7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
  • 6. When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
  • 5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
  • 4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
  • 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
  • 2. You can prove you have a Beer.
  • 1. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.