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You are here: Home / Just For Fun / Pete’s Beer Troubleshooting Guide

Pete’s Beer Troubleshooting Guide

July 18, 2006 By Jay Brooks

My friend Pete Slosberg, the genius behind Pete’s Wicked Ales, sent me this funny beer troubleshooting guide. And while I know he didn’t invent it, I can’t help but start that rumor since he sent it to me. It was waiting in my inbox when I arrived home from four days on Kauai this morning. My wife and I just returned from a quick little getaway to Hawaii to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We took a red eye home and stumbled in around 5:30 a.m., bleary-eyed and dog tired. But Pete’s troubleshooting guide perked me up and had me laughing, which was a welcome relief so I thought I’d share it with everyone else. Enjoy. And thanks Pete.
 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SymptomCauseCorrective Action
Feet cold and wetGlass Being held at incorrect angleRotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wetImproper Bladder ControlStand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tastelessa. Glass empty
b. You’re holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lightsYou have fallen over backwardHave yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashesYou have fallen forwardSee above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is weta. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor BlurredYou are looking through bottom of empty glassGet someone to buy you another beer
Floor movingYou are being carried outFind out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually darkBar has closedConfirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and texturesBeer consumption has exceeded personal limitationsCover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smilesYou are dancing on the tableFall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clearIt’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you upPunch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeupYou’re in the ladies’ roomDo not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clearYou have been in a fightApologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re inYou’ve wandered into the wrong partySee if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunka. You’re in jail
b. You’re in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chapsYou’re in a gay barKeeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distortedThe beer is too weakHave more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the songBeer is just rightPlay air guitar

Filed Under: Just For Fun



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