The Formula For The Perfect Pint

I can only assume that the UK pub chain Taylor Walker is, in the appropriate British parlance, taking the piss, with their commissioning of Mindlab to discover the formula for “the perfect pint.” Though there is a Mind Lab at the University of Sussex, this bit of news is not listed in their news or press section. At any rate, they claim to have “used complex mathematical modelling techniques to discover what conditions are required to enjoy the perfect pint.”

So what is the formula for a perfect pint?

Here goes: E = -(0.62T2 + 39.2W2 + 62.4P2) + (21.8T + 184.4W + 395.4P + 94.5M – 90.25V) + 50(S + F + 6.4)

  • E is a factor describing overall enjoyment.
  • T is the ambient temperature in degrees Celsius.
  • W is the number of days until you are required back at work.
  • P is the number of people with whom you are drinking.
  • M is related to your mood whilst drinking the pint.
  • V is related to the volume of the music being played.
  • S and F are related to the availability of snacks and food.

Without the number variants, so slightly simpler, it’s E = -(T2+W2+P2) + (T+W+P+M-V) + 50(S+F+6.4), though it’s hardly E = MC2. Below a presumed “scientist” — he is after all, wearing a lab coat and surrounded by books and beakers — explains it all:

Niue Beer

Today in 1974, Niue became a self-governing parliamentary government in free association with New Zealand.


Niue Breweries

Niue Brewery Guides

Other Guides

Guild: None Known

National Regulatory Agency: None

Beverage Alcohol Labeling Requirements: Not Known

Drunk Driving Laws: BAC 0.08% (Zero limit for persons under 20 years.)


  • Full Name: Niue
  • Location: Oceania, island in the South Pacific Ocean, east of Tonga
  • Government Type: Self-governing parliamentary democracy
  • Language: English (official), Niuean (a Polynesian language closely related to Tongan and Samoan)
  • Religion(s): Ekalesia Niue (Niuean Church – a Protestant church closely related to the London Missionary Society) 61.1%, Latter-Day Saints 8.8%, Roman Catholic 7.2%, Jehovah’s Witnesses 2.4%, Seventh-Day Adventist 1.4%, other 8.4%, unspecified 8.7%, none 1.9%
  • Capital: Alofi
  • Population: 1,269; 236th
  • Area: 260 sq km, 213th
  • Comparative Area: 1.5 times the size of Washington, DC
  • National Food: Taro
  • National Symbols: Southern Cross; Sea Urchin
  • Nickname: Rock of Polynesia
  • Affiliations: Commonwealth, Pacific Community
  • Independence: Niue became a self-governing parliamentary government in free association with New Zealand; October 19, 1974


  • Alcohol Legal: Yes
  • Minimum Drinking Age: None (to drink); 18 (to buy) [Note: Minimum age applies for beverages with 1.15% ABV or over; no restrictions on beverages less than 1.15% ABV. Persons under 18 may not drink outside private residences or private functions unless accompanied by their parent or legal guardian. Alcohol may be supplied to minors only by their parent or legal guardian, but adult hosts of private functions may supply alcohol if no money changes hands.]
  • BAC: 0.08%
  • Number of Breweries: 0


  • How to Say “Beer”: beer
  • How to Order a Beer: One beer, please
  • How to Say “Cheers”: cheers
  • Toasting Etiquette: N/A


Alcohol Consumption By Type:

  • Beer: 60%
  • Wine: 1%
  • Spirits: 39%

Alcohol Consumption Per Capita (in litres):

  • Recorded: 8.85
  • Unrecorded: 1.00
  • Total: 9.85
  • Beer: 4.63

WHO Alcohol Data:

  • Per Capita Consumption: 8.9 litres
  • Alcohol Consumption Trend: Stable
  • Excise Taxes: N/A
  • Minimum Age: None
  • Sales Restrictions: N/A
  • Advertising Restrictions: N/A
  • Sponsorship/Promotional Restrictions: N/A

Patterns of Drinking Score: N/A

Prohibition: None