Beer Birthday: George Wendt

October 17, 2018 By Jay Brooks Leave a Comment

Today is the 70th birthday of George Wendt, who “is an American actor and comedian, best known for the role of Norm Peterson on the television show Cheers. He’s originally from Chicago and was an alumnus of The Second City in the mid-1970s. He began acting on television and movies, mostly in small roles, before landing the role of Norm Peterson in Cheers. “From 1982 to 1993, Wendt appeared as Norm Peterson in all 275 episodes of Cheers. For his work on Cheers, Wendt earned six Primetime Emmy Award nominations for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.” Years later he wrote, with some help, Drinking with George: A Barstool Professional’s Guide to Beer, a quasi-memior, beer book and biography of his character.

Wendt with GABF director Nancy Johnson and then-Denver mayor John Hickenlooper at the 2009 GABF.

One of my favorite running gags in Cheers was the “Normisms” and I’ve been collecting them off and on for some time now. By no means complete, here are the ones I’ve uncovered, with the season and/or episode it’s from, if known.

Cheers to Norm(isms)

The NBC sitcom “Cheers” was one of the most popular shows on television, and ran for eleven seasons from 1982 until 1993. Set in a Boston bar, it was replete with beer and drinking references, most notably a running gag between the bartenders and one of their regulars, Norm Peterson, played by George Wendt. In many of the episodes, as Norm would first enter the bar each evening, everyone would yell Norm! and whoever was behind the bar would greet him, setting him up for a memorable comeback line. These became known as Normisms and they seem to have started in the first season, possibly episode 10. Over 275 episodes, at least 100 Normisms were delivered.

Season 1 (1982-83)

Endless Slumper [1.10]
Coach: What’s the story, Norm?
Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.

Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]
Coach: What’s going on, Norm?
Norm: Science is seeking a cure for thirst and I happen to be the guinea pig.

Diane’s Perfect Date [1.17]
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: That’s that sudzy amber stuff, right? Been hearing good things about it.

No Contest [1.18]
Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?

Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]
Coach: What’ll it be Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.
Coach: How about a beer?
Norm: Even better.

Season 2 (1983-84)

Personal Business [2.3]
Coach: Would you like a beer, Norm?
Norm: I’d like to see something in a size 54 sudzy.
____________________
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.

No Help Wanted [2.14]
Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I’m high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

Fortune and Men’s Weight [2.17]
Coach: What’s your most troublesome problem, Norm?
Norm: Well that’s tough to say, Coach. Let’s see I’m overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I’ve never been happier.

Snow Job [2.18]
Coach: Beer, Normy?
Norm: Coach, I don’t know. I’ll have one next week… what the heck I’m young.
____________________
Coach: How’s a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
____________________
Coach: What’s up, Norm?
Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
____________________
Coach: What’s shaking, Norm?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
____________________
Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I’m still young.
____________________
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
____________________
Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uh, how about a first one?
____________________
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Naah, I’d probably just drink it.
____________________
Coach: What’s up, Normie?
Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.

Season 3 (1984-85)

Rebound – Part 1 [3.1]
Coach: What will it be, Normy?
Norm: A transfusion with a head on it.

Diane Meets Mom [3.8]
Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down?
____________________
[Norm returns from the hospital.]
Coach: What’s up, Norm?
Norm: Everything that’s supposed to be.
____________________
[Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.]
Norm: [mutters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm? (Norman?)
____________________
Sam: What’s new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach.
They’re demanding beer.
____________________
Coach: What’ll it be, Normie?
Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
____________________
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
____________________
Sam: What’d you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
____________________
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Cliff: Afternoon, everybody.
All: [silence]

The Executive’s Executioner [3.21]
Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
____________________
Coach: How’s it going, Norm?
Norm: Daddy’s rich and Momma’s good lookin’.
____________________
Coach: What’s doing, Norm?
Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.
____________________
Coach: How’s life, Norm?
Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach
____________________
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: I heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.
____________________
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
____________________
Coach: How are you doing, Norm?
Norm: Cut the small talk and get me a beer.
____________________
Coach: What’s going down, Normie?
Norm: My butt cheeks on that bar stool.

Season 4 (1985-86)

Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that’ll get me a beer.
____________________
Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Hi ya, sailor. New in town?
____________________
Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm! (Norman!)
Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
____________________
Sam: What’s the good word, Norm?
Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer…
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
____________________
Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink. And down it goes.
____________________
Woody: What’s your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I’ll settle for a beer.
____________________
Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Elope with my wife.
____________________
[Norm is angry.]
Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Clifford Clavin’s head.
____________________
Woody: How’s life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Oh, I’m waiting for the movie.

The Peterson Principle [4.18]
Sam: Hey, what’s happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm: Okay Woody, but be sure to stop me at 1. Ah, make that 1:30.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]
Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pour.
Woody: I’m so sorry to hear that.
Norm: [pointing to the beer tap] No, I meant pour.

Wendt with John Ratzenberger on the set of Cheers.

Season 5 (1986-87)

Knights of the Scimitar [5.8]
Woody: What’s the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11.
____________________
Paul: Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
____________________
Norm: Hey, everybody.
All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]
Norm: [carries on both sides of the conversation himself]
Norm! (Norman.)
How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.

Season 6 (1987-88)

Norm: Hey, everybody.
Woody: Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything]
Norm: That’s it, I’m leaving.
____________________
Norm: [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer, as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
Customer: Norm!
Norm: [quietly] Not now!
____________________
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass.

A Kiss Is Still a Kiss [6.10]
Sam: How’s life treating you?
Norm: It’s not, Sammy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie [6.18]
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn’t it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
____________________
Woody: What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.

Season 7 (1988-89)

One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape [7.4]
Norm: I hate to change the subject but I don’t know if anyone recognizes, we seem to have a little problem here.
Woody: Oh you need another beer, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: Okay we have two problems here.
____________________
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I’m not here.
____________________
Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]
Woody: What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, Insert beer here.

Season 8 (1989-90)

Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?
Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I’ll just drown the little suckers.
____________________
Feeble Attraction [8.11]
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]
Sam: What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

Loverboyd [8.22]
Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean, Nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.
____________________
Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?

Season 9 (1990-91)

Grease [9.6]
Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
____________________
Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
____________________
Woody: What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
____________________
Sam: How’s life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like it caught me sleeping with its’ wife.
____________________
[Gang yells Norm!]
Norm: Women. Can’t live with ’em, pass the beer nuts.

Season 10 (1991-92)

Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? [10.8]
Sam: Hey what’s going on, Normie?
Norm: It’s my birthday Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.
____________________
Woody: How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Poor.
Woody: I’m sorry to hear that.
Norm: No, I mean pour.
____________________
Sam: How’s life in the fast lane?
Norm: Dunno, can’t get on the on-ramp.
____________________
Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: Alright, but stop me at one…. make that one-thirty.

Season 11 (1992-93)

Sam: What’s the story, Norm?
Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
____________________
Sam: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!
____________________
Woody: What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.
____________________
Sam: What’s up, Normie?
Norm: My nipples, it’s freezing out there.

From Unknown Seasons

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
____________________
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what’s up?
Norm: The warranty on my liver.
____________________
Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat the swallowed the canary.
Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
____________________
Sam: What’ll you have, Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, and fast women.
Sam: How ’bout a beer?
Norm: Even better.
____________________
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?
Norm: Nope, but I am willing to add on.
____________________
Sam: Little early in the day for a beer, isn’t it Norm?
Norm: So float a corn flake in it.
____________________
Sam: What’s going on, Normie?
Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.
____________________
Woody: How’s it hanging, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Better when my butt is hanging off this bar stool with a beer in my hand.
____________________
Woody: What’s the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. Film at eleven.
____________________
Sam: Hey, how’s life treating you there, Norm?
Norm: Beats me. … Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
____________________
Sam: What’s up Norm?
Norm: God’s in His Heaven, [pause] something, something, something.
____________________
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
Norm: See you later, Vera, I’ll be at Cheers.
____________________
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Never been better, Woody. … Just once I’d like to be better.
____________________
Woody: How’s it hanging Norm?
Norm: Oh, little to the left.
____________________
Sam: What’s new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.
____________________
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, how’s life?
Norm: Well, the plot’s okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end.
____________________
Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. Found him every couple of blocks.
____________________
Woody: How are you Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Yeah…as if you care.
____________________
Woody: What’s shaking Mr. Peterson?
Norm: What isn’t?
____________________
Sam: How’s life Norm?
Norm: Ask a man who’s got one.
____________________
Sam: How’s the world treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like I just ran over its dog.
____________________
Sam: How are you today, Norm?
Norm: I’m on top of the world…It’s a dismal spot in Greenland.
____________________
Elderly Sam: What’s up, Norm?
Elderly Norm: Me, about thirty times a night.

Why Aren’t There Beer-Barrel Trees?

August 6, 2018 By Jay Brooks Leave a Comment

Today is the birthday of Piers Anthony Dillingham Jacob (born 6 August 1934 in Oxford, England). He “is an English-American author in the science fiction and fantasy genres, publishing under the name Piers Anthony. He is most famous for his long-running novel series set in the fictional realm of Xanth. Although I’m an avid reader and love the SciFi/Fantasy genre, I have not read any of his books. But using Google Books today to search through some of his work, I kept coming across something interesting, that I thought should really exist, but sadly does not: “beer-barrel trees.”

Apparently, a lot of his books take place in “the fictional realm of Xanth,” which is shaped suspiciously like Florida.

There’s a long-running novel series set in Xanth, which is his most popular work. There are currently 41 novels in the series, beginning with A Spell for Chameleon, which was first published in 1977. The most recent Xanth book is 2017’s Ghost Writer in the Sky, and there are at least four more in various stages of development.

One thing I learned is that the realm of Xanth has a very interesting feature:

Plants may bear fruit of all descriptions (pie trees and shoe trees are common) or they may be carnivorous (such as the tangle trees), making travel in Xanth risky.

I remember in the Wizard of Oz books, there were trees that grew entire box lunches and dinner. They were called Lunch-Pail Trees and Dinner-Pail Trees. You’d pluck them like fruit, described as “square paper boxes, which grew in clusters on all the limbs, and upon the biggest and ripest boxes the word ‘Lunch’ could be read in neat raised letters.” In the Dinner-Pail Trees, which were heavier, Dorothy found “a small tank full of lemonade, slices of turkey, slices of cold tongue, lobster salad, bread and butter, a small custard pie, an orange, some strawberries, and cracked nuts and raisins.” That appeared in the third book, “Ozma of Oz,” from 1907.

But in the Xanth series, Anthony takes the concept to new heights, with the various trees providing all manner of things. In “Geis of the Gargoyle,” the 18th book from 1984, for example, there’s a bread tree that grows loaves of bread and growing next to it, a butternut tree. Squeeze the butter onto the bread, and you have bread and butter.

But my favorite, of course, is the beer-barrel tree, which from what I can piece together is a tree with a tank of beer beneath the bark. You can tap the tree, and drink the beer from it. The beerbarrel tree is first mentioned in the first book, A Spell for Chameleon, on page 15, early in the story.

“Bink glanced across at the unique tree she indicated. There were many kinds of trees in Xanth, a number of them vital to the economy. Beerbarrel trees were tapped for drink, and oilbarrel trees for fuel, and Bink’s own footwear came from a mature shoe tree east of the village. But Justin Tree was something special, a species never sprouted from seed.”

And then it comes up again in Chapter 16:

“‘I think we’d better hide,’ Trent said.

Good idea. They went around a beer barrel tree and watched silently.

The thumping became very loud. The whole tree shook. TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP! Small branches fell off the tree, and a leak sprang in the trunk. A thin jet of beer splashed under Bink’s nose. He fell back; even in the human state, he had never liked that drink. He peered around the trunk, but nothing was there.”

In the fourth book, “Centaur Aisle,” they’re mentioned again and also mentioned are winekeg trees.

“Dor soon found himself thirsty, for the pudding was highly spiced, so he drank—and found the beverage a cross between sweet beer and sharp wine from indifferent beerbarrel and winekeg trees.”

And in the fifth book, “Ogre, Ogre,” it’s revealed there are even trees whose fruit will make you think you’re smart.

“You were smart enough to fool everyone into thinking you were ogrishly stupid! Smash, Chem told me about the Eye Queue vine. Its effect wears off in hours. Sometimes its effect is only in self-perception. It makes creatures think they’re smart when they aren’t, and they make colossal fools of themselves without knowing it. Like people getting drunk on the spillage from a beerbarrel tree, thinking they’re being great company when actually they are disgusting clowns. My father used to tell me about that; he said he’d made a clown of himself more than once. Only it’s worse with the vine.”

And this perhaps may be the first mention of chocolate and beer-pairing on Xanth, from the sixth book, Night Mare.”

“The Spy I balls showed the Nextwavers making camp and foraging for food and drink. They were catching on to the bounties of Xanth and now, instead of burning out the “region, they were hammering out chocolate chips from an outcropping of chocolithic rock and tapping beer-barrel trees for flagons of foaming natural brew, to which they seemed to be quite partial.”

By the seventh book, “Dragon on a Pedestal,” there’s a longer passage about the beerbarrel tree.

“Irene looked around. “There’s a beer-barrel tree behind us.” She dismounted, picked her way through the treacherous stones of the riverbed, keeping a nervous eye out for snakes, and went to the huge, swollen barrel of the tree. Now she realized why the streambed was dry—the magic snake had caused all creatures here to drink until the water was gone. Too bad that had not been obvious before!

She used her knife to punch a hole in the bark. Yellow beer spouted out. This might not be the best liquid for the golem to drink, but there was plenty of it, enough to quench the thirst of a hundred golems.

Grundy hurried up and put his little mouth to the stream of beer. He gulped the stuff down insatiably.

Irene watched with growing amazement as the golem swallowed more than his own mass in beer and kept on drinking.

The stream seemed to be flowing into a bottomless hole. His body swelled up like a watermelon, but still he drank.”

I especially like this passage, from the eighth book, “Crewel Lye,” from 1984.

“It was dusk, and I had scrounged up some sugar sand and tapped a beer-barrel tree for beer, the true barbarian beverage. My head was spinning pleasantly, detaching my mind from my tired feet.”

By book ten, “Vale of the Vole,” creatures were using dead beerbarrel trees for hideouts.

“His hideout was in the hollow trunk of a dead beerbarrel tree. He had been lucky: he had been in the vicinity in the month of AwGhost, when barrel trees gave up the ghost if they were going to, and had seen the spirit departing. “Aw, Ghost!” he had exclaimed in the classic ogre manner, and that had enchanted the tree so that he could take over the husk without creating a local commotion. He had cut a door in the fat trunk that sealed tightly so that it didn’t show from outside, and made vents so that the steamy beer smell could dissipate; his mother, Tandy, would never understand if he came home reeking of beer!”

In book twelve, “Man From Mundania,” we learn that the beer from beerbarrel trees in different regions taste different.

“One day Girard spied a new human settlement, deep in the forest. He knew he should stay clear but it happened to be one of his favorite forests, so he remained to see what was going on. It turned out that the beerbarrel trees of this region were especially potent, and the man who was tapping them was hauling the beer to a distant village.

He kept the secret of the trees’ location so that only he could tap them. Realizing that, Girard was satisfied, because it meant that no more humans would be coming here, and it would still be safe for giants as long as they watched out for this one homestead.”

Apparently, using old beerbarrel trees for homes had become commonplace by book 17, “Harpy Thyme,” from 1993.

“They walked on, refreshed, waving goodbye to the nice man. They found a convenient path around a small hill. There was a tree house: someone had cut a door and windows into an old beerbarrel tree and made it into a house. There was no longer any smell of beer, so the tree must have drained some time before. It was surrounded by fancy iris flowers. Nearby were assorted fruit trees, and one spreading nut, bolt, and washer tree.”

This is from 1994’s “Geis of the Gargoyle.”

“They finished with some fluid from a leaning beer barrel tree; someone had kindly provided it with a spigot, and there were some mugwumps nearby with pretty mugs. The stuff was dusky colored and it foamed, but it tasted good and Gary drank several mugsful. After that he felt better than ever, if somewhat unsteady.”

After some absence from several books, in the 23rd book, “Xone of Contention,” published in 1999, beerbarrel trees reappear and are explained again.

“What are those?” she asked, pointing to several grossly fat-trunked growths.

“Beerbarrel trees. Their trunks contain beer They are rather popular in some circles “

“You mean people get drunk in Xanth?” she asked, surprised.

“Some do. I confess I do not understand what they see in such activity.”

A few years later, in 2005’s “Pet Peeve,” which is book 29, we discover there are also ale trees, which are cousins to the beerbarrel tree.

“The zombie brought another bottle. “This will do,” Breanna said. “This is ale, from a local ale-ing tree. They are cousins of the beerbarrel trees.” She popped it open and poured foaming glasses. “This is honey brown ale, because we have bees nearby. We avoid the ones growing near wild oats.”

“Oh? Why?” Hannah asked.

“Because men who drink wild oat ale become unduly attractive to nymphs, and attracted to nymphs,” Breanna said tightly. “And women don’t like it. The ale, I mean. It tastes cheap.”

Goody sipped his ale. It was heady stuff.”

Apparently the beer from beerbarrel trees have medicinal uses, too, which we learn in book 30, “Stork Naked.”

“But the man was not annoyed. “I came to see the Good Magician to learn how to nullify my blue nose. But the Gorgon knew the answer and gave it to me free: I have only to drink the liquid of the beer barrel tree. So now I don’t have to serve a year for my answer.”

Here’s another nice passage about Xanth beer from book 31, “Air Apparent.”

“He walked to an old beerbarrel tree. Someone had installed a spigot in its trunk, with a mug. That was thoughtful. He took the mug, turned the spigot, and got himself a foaming mug of beer. Then he sat down and leaned his back against the tree as he drank it. The beer quickly went to his head, making him reminisce.”

In this book, we also learn that every beerbarrel tree also has a beer cellar.

“I can see that. Did you happen to see any—any bodies here?”

“No, but we know where they are. In the beer cellar.”

“Do you mean wine cellar?” Wira asked.

“This was a beerbarrel tree, not a winebarrel tree. It has a beer cellar.”

The woman and centaur exchanged a look of burgeoning hope. “A cellar!” Debra said.

They inspected the ground, and discovered a square panel embedded in the center. It had a heavy ring set in its metal. They hauled on the ring together, and slowly the panel came up. There was a dark hole below, with steps leading down.

“Time for some help,” Wira said. “Ilene! Nimbus! We need the illusion of light here.”

In less than a moment the two were there. “I can’t make illusions,” Ilene said. “They have to exist first.”

“Isn’t my glow an illusion?” Nimbus asked, gazing eagerly into the hole.

“Maybe it is,” Ilene agreed. She focused, and the boy’s faint glow became bright.

“Still, I had better go first,” Wira said. “I don’t need light, and I don’t want to put the children at risk.”

She closed her eyes and started down the steps.

“This is fun,” Nimbus said.

“It seems safe,” Wira called from below.

Nimbus and Ilene went down, his glow illuminating everything. That helped, because Debra was far too large to join them. “What’s down there?” she called.”

“Ninety-nine bottles of beer,” Ilene called back.

“And some orange cones,” the boy added. “Dodging around.”

This hardly made sense. “Cones?”

“There are words printed on them,” Ilene said. “Nundrum.”

Debra groaned. “Cone-nundrum. A pun.”

“I found the bodies,” Wira called. “They’re alive!”

Debra was so relieved she sank to her knees. “Thank you, fate,” she breathed.”

In “Two to the Fifth,” from 2008, which is the 32nd book, we find out a little more about ale trees.

“This was a beer-barrel tree, with a huge cylindrical trunk filled or partly filled with beer. Or was it? He tapped again, analyzing the sound. No, not beer, but ale; this was an ale tree. Its beverage would be a bit stronger.”

In 2010, it’s revealed in book 34, “Knot Gneiss,” that beerbarrel trees have some odd personality quirks.

“There was an old dead beerbarrel tree in the direction Wenda was pointing. From it leaked a few muffled laughs.

“It got infected with bad humor and died,” Wenda said. “Beerbarrels can’t stand bad taste.”

During a tour of the plant life in Xanth, in book 36, “Luck of the Draw,” we get a sense of how puns work in the realm.

“They encountered a copse of huge-trunked trees with patterns of tightly fitting boards. “Those look like beer barrels,” Bryce said.

“They are. Except these ones are alebarrel trees. Tap them and you get ale. But they’re standard; no pun there.”

“Still, Rachel is pointing.”

They followed the direction of the dog’s point. It looked like a small mint plant growing next to one of the trees. “I don’t recognize this,” Mindy said.

“A mint,” he said. “Next to an ale tree. An Ale Mint. Ailment?”

The plant dissolved. He had gotten it.”

But in the end, the real question is just why aren’t there any Beer-Barrel Trees in the real world?

Moon Crater “Beer”

May 16, 2018 By Jay Brooks Leave a Comment

So this is an interesting bit of ephemera. There’s a crater on the Moon that is named “Beer.” I’d like to think it was named for the beverage, but unfortnately that’s apparently not the case. That would have made for a better story, but c’est la vie. Instead, there was a German amateur astronomer who it was named for. The crater in the center is one the called “Beer.” The other big one, in the upper left, used to be called “Beer A” but is now known as Feuillée. The string of smaller craters (known as “craterlets”) in a line to the east-southeast of “Beer” used to be called “Fossa Archimedes” but it’s been suggested they should be called “Catena Beer,” and it seems to be catching on.

Here’s how the name came about:

Named for Wilhelm Wolff Beer (January 4, 1777 – March 27, 1850), a banker and astronomer in Berlin, Germany. Beer built a private observatory with a 9.5 cm refractor in Tiergarten, Berlin. Together with Johann Heinrich Mädler he produced the first exact map of the Moon (entitled Mappa Selenographica) in 1834-1836, and in 1837 published a description of the Moon (Der Mond nach seinen kosmischen und individuellen Verhältnissen). Both remained the best descriptions of the Moon for many decades.
Beer was Catalog Number 1185 in the original IAU nomenclature of Named Lunar Formations. The designation is attributed to Birt, and had earlier been adopted by Neison, 1876 (where the designation Beer A is used for what is now known as Feuillée, differing from the modern usage of Beer A for the much smaller crater selected in Named Lunar Formations). Schmidt is said there to have called this feature Hamilton (unrelated to the modern Hamilton) and to have used the name Beer for the crater now known as Rosse. However, Schmidt himself says that his personal preference since 1856, based on the Lohrmann maps (which he edited), was to call the present crater pair Beer and Mädler, but he changed these to Hamilton and Feuillée in his 1878 book in an effort to be consistent with the English observers.
In his 1880 article, Neison equates Schmidt’s 1878 Hamilton and Feuillée to his 1876 Beer and Beer A and the British Association’s Beer and Mädler.

The Planetary Society has an interesting post where they show an experiment of taking photos of the moon “under different solar illumination conditions.” The NASA photos are all of the craters Beer, Feuillée and the craterlets Fossa Archimedes, which are also known as “Catena Beer.”

Beer Birthday: Homer Simpson

May 12, 2018 By Jay Brooks 1 Comment

Today is the birthday of Homer J. Simpson (May 11, 1956- ). At least that’s the agreed upon date, which comes from episode 16 in Season 4, entitled “Duffless,” which originally aired February 18, 1993. In the episode, Homer loses his driver’s license when he gets a DUI and there’s a scene where his license is voided by a judge. Eagle-eyed fans were able to freeze the frame and see that his date of birth listed on the identification card was May 12, 1956.

Here’s one biography of Homer, this one from the IMDb:

Homer (b.May 12, 1956) was raised on a farm by his parents, Mona and Abraham Simpson. In the mid-1960s, while Homer was between nine and twelve years old, Mona went into hiding following a run-in with the law. Homer attended Springfield High School and fell in love with Marge Bouvier in 1974. Marge became pregnant with Bart in 1979, while Homer was working at a miniature golf course. The two were wed in a small wedding chapel across the state line, From there they spent their wedding reception alone at a truck stop, and the remainder of their wedding night at Marge’s parents’ house. After failing to get a job at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Homer left Marge to find a job by which he could support his family. He briefly worked at a taco restaurant called the Gulp n’ Blow, until Marge found him and convinced him to return. As a result, Homer confronted Mr. Burns and secured a job at the Plant. Marge became pregnant with Lisa in 1981, shortly before the new couple bought their first house. In 1985 and 1986, Homer saw brief success as the lead singer and songwriter for the barbershop quartet the Be Sharps, even winning a Grammy. During his time with the group, Homer was frequently absent from home, which put stress on his marriage. After the group broke up due to creative differences, Homer went back to Springfield to continue his old life. Sometime in the late 1980s, Homer and Marge carefully budgeted so Homer could have his dream job as a pin monkey in a bowling alley. Unfortunately for Homer, Marge became pregnant with Maggie shortly after he started his new job, and not being able to support his family, he went back to the Nuclear Plant. He likes martini.

Homer’s age was initially 34, but as the writers aged, they found that he seemed a bit older too, so they changed his age to 38; this is contradicted by The Homer Book which states Homer is currently 36. Homer reunites with his mother.Homer’s personality is one of frequent stupidity, laziness, and explosive anger. He suffers from a short attention span which complements his short-lived passion for hobbies, enterprises and various causes. Homer is prone to emotional outbursts; he is very envious of his neighbors, the Flanders family, and is easily enraged by Bart and strangles him frequently. He shows no compunction about this, and does not attempt to hide his actions from people outside the family, even showing disregard for his son’s well being in other ways, such as leaving Bart alone at a port. While Homer’s thoughtless antics often upset his family, he has also performed acts that reveal him to be a surprisingly caring father and husband: in “Lisa the Beauty Queen”, selling his cherished ride on the Duff blimp and using the money to enter Lisa in a beauty pageant so she could feel better about herself; in “Rosebud”, giving up his chance at wealth to allow Maggie to keep a cherished teddy bear; in “Radio Bart”, spearheading an attempt to dig Bart out after he had fallen down a well, even though Homer generally hates doing physical labor; and in “A Milhouse Divided”, arranging a surprise second wedding with Marge to make up for their lousy first ceremony, even going so far as to hire one of The Doobie Brothers as part of the wedding band and getting a divorce from Marge, essentially making their second wedding a “real” one.

Homer frequently steals things from his neighbor, Ned Flanders, including TV trays, power tools, air conditioners, and at one point, part of his house. Flanders knows about this, but Homer constantly states that he has “borrowed” the stolen items. He has also stolen golf balls from the local driving range, cable television, office supplies (including computers) from work, and beer mugs from Moe’s Tavern. Also, while ‘working the night shift’ with the rest of the employees at a local discount store (which was just them being locked in at night and forced to stay via electrocution chip) he made off with a number of Plasma Screen TVs on a forklift, while at the same time breaking out of the store.

Homer has a vacuous mind, but he is still able to retain a great amount of knowledge about specific subjects. He shows short bursts of astonishing insight, memory, creativity and fluency with many languages. Homer is also extremely confident; no matter how little skill or knowledge he has about anything he tries to do, he has no doubt that he will be successful. However, his brief periods of intelligence are overshadowed by much longer and more consistent periods of ignorance, forgetfulness and stupidity. Homer has a low IQ due to his hereditary “Simpson Gene,” his alcohol problem, exposure to radioactive waste, repetitive cranial trauma, and a crayon lodged in the frontal lobe of his brain. Homer’s intelligence was said to jump fifty points when he had the crayon removed, bringing him to an IQ of 105, slightly above that of an average person, however he had the crayon reinserted, presumably lowering his IQ back to its original 55. The amount of Homer’s brain which still functions is also questionable. At one point in the series, Homer apparently lost 5% of his brain after a coma.

Homer’s attitudes toward women, romance, and sex are occasionally explored. While Homer’s marriage with Marge is occasionally strained, it seems generally happy and faithful. Despite this, Homer usually shows no qualms with gawking at (and drooling over) attractive women. Homer successfully avoided an affair with Mindy Simmons, but has made the occasional remark denoting his attraction to other women (including the gag about coveting his neighbor’s wife), even in front of Marge.

His relationship with his children is not the best, although he loves his children deeply. His relationship with Bart is often shown as a love-hate relationship or friendship. They sometimes appear to get on very well, however, such as on the numerous occasions they jointly commit various petty crimes or “get-rich-quick”-schemes. Homer’s relationship with Lisa is usually quite good although Lisa often tires of her father’s ignorance. His relationship with Maggie is perhaps the best, due to her infant state. However, even though Maggie has saved his life a number of times, he sometimes forgets she even exists (once telling Marge the dog does not count when she told him they had three kids).

So while Homer doesn’t brew beer, he does certainly drink a lot of it. And without him, the world may not have ever heard of Duff Beer. And even though there are a few real world examples of Duff being brewed, I don’t recommend them, at least not the ones I’ve tried. But do drink a toast to Springfield’s favorite beer drinker, Homer Simpsons. Below are a few of the times Homer’s mentioned beer throughout the show’s twenty-plus year run.

“Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”

— Homer Simpson, in “Homer’s Odyssey,” Season 1, Episode 3, 1990

“Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.”

— Homer Simpson, in “Bart Gets Hit by a Car,” Season 2, Episode 10, 1991

“Mmmm… beer.”

— Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Pony, Season 3, Episode 8, 1991; “So It’s Come to
This: A Simpsons Clip Show,” Season 4, Episode 18, 1993; and “Whacking
Day, Season 4, Episode 20, 1993”

“I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.”

— Homer Simpson, in “Duffless,” Season 4, Episode 16, 1993

“Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will.”

— Homer Simpson, in “So It’s Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show,” Season 4, Episode 18, 1993

“Alright Brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you. But lets just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”

— Homer Simpson, in “The Front,” Season 4, Episode 19, 1993

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

— Homer Simpson, in “Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment,” Season 8,
Episode 18, 1997

Homer: “Will there be beer?”

Movementarian: “Beer is not allowed.”

Homer: “Homer no function beer well without.”

Movementarian: “Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment?”

Homer: “What kind of beer?”

— Homer Simpson, in “The Joy of Sect,” Season 9, Episode 13, 1998

“I’m glad I’m back. Because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again!”

— Homer Simpson, in “The Joy of Sect,” Season 9, Episode 13, 1998

“Well, this time I’m drunk on love… and beer.”

— Homer Simpson, in “Natural Born Kissers,” Season 9, Episode 25, 1998

“Expand my brain, learning juice!”

— Homer Simpson, about to drink a Duff Beer, in “See Homer Run,” Season
17, Episode 6, 2005

Therapist: “And has there been any improvement in Homer’s drinking?”

Marge: “Well, he’s down to two beers in the shower.”

Homer: “They’re pale ales … please.”

— From “Specs and the City,” Season 25, Episode 11, 2014

Craft Beer & Ale: A Parody of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs & Ham

March 2, 2018 By Jay Brooks 28 Comments

Today, of course, is the birthday of Theodore Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss. Almost nine years ago my kids were on a Dr. Seuss kick and we read quite a few of his books multiple times, with Green Eggs & Ham emerging as the family favorite. I was playing around with the words one night, as I often do, and decided to see if I could come up with a beer-themed parody of the book. I originally posted the results eight years ago, and here they are once again; Craft Beer & Ale, by Dr. J. Enjoy!

CRAFT BEER & ALE

Sam I am

I am Sam

Sam I am

That Sam’s upscale.
That Sam regales.
I do not like that Sam wholesale!

Do you drink
craft beer & ale?

I do not drink them, Sam, they’re stale.
I do not drink
craft beer & ale.

Would you drink them
weak or strong?

I would not drink them
weak or strong.
I would not drink them, it is wrong.

I do not drink
craft beer & ale.
I do not drink them, Sam, curtail.

Would you drink them with more hops?
Would you drink them chased with schnapps?

I do not drink them
with more hops.
I do not drink them
chased with schnapps.
I do not drink them
weak or strong.
I do not drink them
all night long.
I do not drink
craft beer & ale.
I do not drink them,
Sam, you’re off the trail.

Would you drink them
in a pub?
Would you drink them
at a club?

Not in a pub.
Not at a club.
Not with more hops.
Not chased with schnapps.
I would not drink them
weak or strong.
I would not drink them, it is wrong.
I would not drink craft beer & ale.
I do not drink them, Sam — no sale.

Would you? Could you? In a bar?
Drink them! Drink them! Here they are.

I would not, could not, in a bar.

You may like them. You will see.
You may like them with some cheese!

I would not, could not with some cheese.
Not in a bar! You let me be.

I do not like them in a pub.
I do not like them at a club.
I do not like them with more hops.
I do not like them chased with schnapps.
I do not like them weak or strong.
I do not like them all night long.
I do not like craft beer & ale.
I do not like them, Sam, you’re beyond the pale.

A stein! A stein!
A stein! A stein!
Could you, would you,
in a stein?

Not in a stein! Not in a stein!
Not with some cheese! Sam! Let me be!

I would not, could not, in a pub.
I could not, would not, at a club.
I will not drink them with more hops.
I will not drink them chased with schnapps.
I will not drink them weak or strong.
I will not drink them, it is wrong.
I do not like craft beer & ale.
I do not like them, Sam, you’ve gone off the rail.

Say! In a glass?
Here in a glass!
Would you, could you,
in a glass?

I would not, could not, in a glass.

Would you, could you, while you dine?

I would not, could not, while I dine.
Not in a glass. Not in a stein.
Not in a bar. Not with some cheese.
I do not drink them, Sam, you see.
Not with more hops. Not in a pub.
Not chased with schnapps. Not in a club.
I will not drink them weak or strong.
I will not drink them all night long.

You do not drink
craft beer & ale?

I do not drink them,
Sam, you make me wail.

Could you, would you,
drink with Charlie?

I would not, could not,
drink with Charlie.

Would you, could you,
with more barley?

I could not, would not,
with more barley,
I will not, will not,
drink with Charlie.

I will not drink them while I dine.
I will not drink them in a stein.
Not in a glass! Not with some cheese.
Not in a bar! You let me be!
I do not drink them in a pub.
I do not drink them at a club.
I do not drink them with more hops.
I do not drink them chased with schnapps.
I do not drink them weak or strong.
I do not drink them IT IS WRONG!

I do not drink craft beer & ale!
I do not drink them, Sam — you fail.

You do not drink them. So you say.
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

Sam! If you will let me be,
I will try them. You will see.

Say! I like craft beer & ale!
I do! I like them, Sam, you prevail!
And I would drink them with more barley.
And I would drink with homebrew Charlie…

And I will drink them while I dine.
And in a glass. And in a stein.
And in a bar. And with some cheese.
They are so good, so good, you see!

So I will drink them in a pub.
And I will drink them at a club.
And I will drink them with more hops.
And I will drink them chased with schnapps.
And I will drink them weak or strong.
Say! I will drink them ALL NIGHT LONG!

I do so love
craft beer at home!
Thank you!
Thank you, Sam-Cala-Gione!

All artwork by Rob Davis. Thanks, Rob! All words after Theodore Seuss Geisel by Dr. J. If you’re so inclined, you can also see the original text side by side with my parody at Craft Beer & Ale Compared.

Beer Birthday: Bob Uecker

January 26, 2018 By Jay Brooks 1 Comment

Today is the 84th birthday of Bob Uecker, who is an “American former Major League Baseball player and current sportscaster, comedian, and actor. Facetiously dubbed ‘Mr. Baseball’ by TV talk show host Johnny Carson, Uecker has served as a play-by-play announcer for Milwaukee Brewers radio broadcasts since 1971. He was honored by the National Baseball Hall of Fame with its 2003 Ford C. Frick Award in recognition of his broadcasting career.” But he is best-remembered, beerwise, for his humorous commercials in the 1980s for Miller Lite beer.

This is his biography, from his Wikipedia page:

Though he has sometimes joked that he was born on an oleo run to Illinois, Uecker was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He grew up watching the minor-league Milwaukee Brewers at Borchert Field. He signed a professional contract with his hometown Milwaukee Braves in 1956 and made his Major League Baseball debut as a catcher with the club in 1962. A below-average hitter, he finished with a career batting average of .200. He was generally considered to be a sound defensive player and committed very few errors in his Major League career as a catcher, completing his career with a fielding percentage of .981. However, in 1967, despite playing only 59 games, he led the league in passed balls and is still on the top 10 list for most passed balls in a season. At least a partial explanation is that he spent a good deal of the season catching knuckleballer Phil Niekro. He often joked that the best way to catch a knuckleball was to wait until it stopped rolling and pick it up. Uecker also played for the St. Louis Cardinals (and was a member of the 1964 World Champion club) and Philadelphia Phillies before returning to the Braves, who had by then moved to Atlanta. His six-year Major League career concluded in 1967.

Perhaps the biggest highlight of Uecker’s career was when he hit a home run off future Hall of Famer Sandy Koufax, after which Uecker joked that he always thought that home run would keep Koufax from getting into the Hall of Fame.

After retiring as a player, Uecker returned to Milwaukee. In 1971, he began calling play-by-play for the Milwaukee Brewers’ radio broadcasts, a position he holds to this day. During his tenure, he has mentored Pat Hughes, Jim Powell, Cory Provus and Joe Block, all of whom became primary radio announcers for other MLB teams. For several years he also served as a color commentator for network television broadcasts of Major League Baseball, helping call games for ABC in the 1970s and NBC (teaming with Bob Costas and Joe Morgan) in the 1990s. During that time, he was a commentator for several League Championship Series and World Series.

As of 2016, Uecker teams with Jeff Levering to call games on WTMJ in Milwaukee and the Brewers Radio Network throughout Wisconsin, save for some road trips which he skips; for those games Lane Grindle substitutes for Uecker on the radio broadcasts. Uecker is well known for saying his catchphrase “Get up! Get up! Get outta here! Gone!” when a Brewers player hits a home run.

Known for his humor, particularly about his undistinguished playing career, Uecker actually became much better known after he retired from playing. He made some 100 guest appearances on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show. During one Tonight Show appearance Carson asked him what the biggest thrill of his professional baseball career was and with his typical dry wit Uecker replied, “Watching a fan fall out of the upper deck in Philadelphia; the crowd booed.” Most of his wisecracks poked fun at himself. He once joked that after he hit a grand slam off pitcher Ron Herbel, “When his manager came out to get him, he was bringing Herbel’s suitcase.” On another occasion, he quipped, “Sporting goods companies would pay me not to endorse their products.” On his later acting career, he commented, “Even when I played baseball, I was acting.”

Uecker also appeared in a number of humorous commercials, most notably for Miller Lite beer, as one of the “Miller Lite All-Stars”

Here’s a selection of some of Uecker’s commercials for Miller Lite:

From 1983:

From 1984:

From 1986:

From 1987:

From 1988:

Another one from 1988, promoting the Olympics:

Making A Mess (Of Commercial Success): Lite Beer Version

September 25, 2017 By Jay Brooks 1 Comment

Today is the birthday of Shel Silverstein (September 25, 1930 – May 10, 1999). He “was an American poet, singer-songwriter, cartoonist, screenwriter, and author of children’s books. He styled himself as Uncle Shelby in some works. Translated into more than 30 languages, his books have sold over 20 million copies. He was the recipient of two Grammy Awards, as well as a Golden Globe and Academy Award nominee.” While he’s probably best known for his children’s books, he also created a number of works for adults, drawings for Playboy, poems, and songs, too.

One of his songs was recorded by folk singer Bob Gibson in 1995 and appeared on his album entitled “Makin’ A Mess: Bob Gibson Sings Shel Silverstein.” That song was called “Making a Mess (of Commercial Success).” It’s about the time he and a friend were extras on a television commercial for low-calorie light beer. I don’t know if the story’s true, but it’s pretty funny. Here are the lyrics:

“”There was me and Jack working Duval Street
singing our songs by the dock
When this TV director came looking for extras
said he needed our pretty faces right down the block

They were making some kind of commercial
About the beer we like here in Key West
And we had to do was go sit on a stool
and do what we really do best

He said they were paying a C-note
We really needed the bread
So we pointed our feet to that bar down the street
lit up like a Hollywood set

Now there were camera and cables on every table
and we were grinning from ear to ear
It was almost like stealin’ that’s how we were feelin’
when they passed ’round these big mugs of beer

They said “Now, boys, just try to act thirsty
and sit down here right at the bar
and just try to pretend that you’re out on a bender…”
I said Buddy we’re with you so far

They gave me the line “It’s less fillin'”
and Jack got the line “great taste”
and they yelled ‘rehearsal’ and we started acting
with beer foam all over our face

They yelled take 1 and filled up our glasses
Stuck a big busty blonde on my lap
Jack said “tastes great” and I said less filling
This acting stuff sure is a snap

Well I thought they would hand us an Oscar
when the director said “beautiful, kids”
“But can you give me more soul?”
I said hell, let her roll and they shouted take 2 and we did

Well those hot lights sure kept us sweatin’
and the beer got messed up with the lines
Jack said it tastes fillin’, I said gets you drunker
the director yells take 29!”

And here’s the song itself, sung by Bob Gibson:

The 10 Tavern Commandments

July 7, 2017 By Jay Brooks Leave a Comment

This is a fascinating piece of history. It’s a lithograph from 1873 entitled “The 10 tavern commandments, as every landlord should show them to his guests” and it’s also printed in a second language, German, and called “Die 10 Wirthshaus-Gebote, wie sie jeder Wirth seinen Gästen auf’s fleissigste vorhalten soll.” The lithographer was Theodore Kahlmann, and it was published by C. Brothers in New York.

It’s a little hard to read them without blowing up the image, so here are the English language version of The 10 Tavern Commandments, though I confess not all of them make complete sense.

Thou shallst have no host but me!
Of all good hosts consider me the very best,
In my Inn alone be pleased, frequent not the rest.
Thou shallst not use in vain the name thy host!
Call not on me in vain,
But for drinks, whereby I gain,
Or, when you wish to pay,
Then call on me you may.
Thou shallst not chain the Tiger, for he is most ferocious!
Leave not they pocket book at home,
For ’tis bad when borrowing you come,
You will relish better, what you drink and eat,
When you promptly pay as ’tis need.
Thou shallst honor thine host and hostess, that thou mayest prosper and live long on earth!
Often in foul speech or name
Never thy host or his dame,
To find fault with the drink would become you ill,
But you should praise it when and wherever you will.
Thou shallst not slay bottles and glasses but shallots refrain from all such touching exercise!
The life of bottles and glasses thou must not take,
For ’tis mean these things in wrathful mood to break,
Moreover you’ll get in trouble, if you raise hell,
For then the Peelers come and take you to a prison cell.
Thou shallst in night’s dark hours not mistake my wife for thine!
Let the evil spirit never prompt thee,
To bow in courtship to my wife thy knee,
For then I’d throw thee out of a window or of door,
And if t’were from the fourth or yet a higher floor.
Thou shallst not find and take with thee what n’er was lost!
My chalk thou must not take,
I need it thy bill to make,
Or else I’ll get; for thy punishment
Such as will chalk down double, each and every cent.
Thou shallst not bear false witness to thine host!
Tell me always when I ask; in truthfulness
What thou owes for drinks, rather more than less,
Give never a false statement,
For honesty is thy best ornament.
Thou shallst not covet what is loss to thy host!
Ask not that I should give
Large pieces and full measures,
For ’tis by my profit that I live,
Dear customers remember his leisure.
Thou shallst not covet to carress my cook and water girls!
’Tis best they desires to curb and bridle,
For it makes the girls stupid and idle
When love is talked behind the kitchen door,
And then it might grow on thee and become a bore.

In the illustration in the center, the tavern owner (presumably) is holding up two tables with the 10 Commandments on them as his guests and staff appear to be ignoring him, just as you’d expect when someone is trying to law down the law.

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