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Judge Ponders: “What Is Beer?”

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This may be funny only to me since it happened in my hometown of Reading, Pennsylvania (BTW, it’s pronounced “redding”) — or near enough, I grew up in a small suburb adjacent to Reading.

Back in January, a 17-year old testified that an adult bought him a case of Miller Genuine Draft but Berks County Court Judge Jeffrey K. Sprecher (obviously no relation to the Sprecher Brewery in Wisconsin) dismissed the charges because “the prosecution had failed to provide the state Liquor Control Board’s list of beers to prove the beverage was beer.” Makes sense to me, I consider Miller Genuine Draft to be not really beer, but a highly-engineered industrial food product. The judge also stated that it was “equally plausible that the defendant purchased a nonalcoholic beverage with a flavor similar to beer.” Clearly, he’s never tasted a non-alcoholic beer.

An appeals court has now overturned that ruling, stating that the minor’s “testimony was more than enough to establish that the beverage he was drinking was a malt or brewed beverage.” Wow, they actually believed a minor would know whether or not he was drinking beer or not. Now that’s funny.

mgd

Is it or isn’t it?

Beer Can Regatta

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Today is the 32nd annual Beer Can Regatta, a boat race in which all the ships are made entirely of beer cans. It takes place in Darwin, Australia, in the Northwest Territories, which looks to be about in the center of Australia on the northern edge.

A couple of beer can regatta boats, made entirely of beer cans.
 

The history of the event is a great example of creative problem solving:

The Darwin beer can regatta started as an unusual by-product of the devastation caused to Darwin by “Cyclone Tracy” in 1974.

Owing to the considerable damage caused by the cyclone, large quantities of materials and manpower from interstate were brought to Darwin to assist in the rebuilding of the city.

As many of the rebuilding work force personnel were from the southern states, and were not used to the humidity, the consumption of canned beer increased dramatically.

This resulted in an abundance of empty beer cans littering the many work sites around Darwin, and as there were no recycling programmes in effect at the time, the beer cans became a litter problem.

A Darwin citizen, Lutz Frankensfeld, came up with the suggestion that they should hold a boat race, with all the boats fabricated out of beer cans. The theory was that this would give the local population and workers alike, an incentive to clear up some of the empty beer cans, and at the same time have a day of fun.

The inaugural beer can race in 1975 was an instant success, and it was decided that it would be an annual event.

Over the years it has developed into a major event on the Darwin social calendar, it is now run by the local Lion’s Club. Organised by various groups over the years it went from success to success, with boat entries ranging in numbers from 15 to 30, and in size from 1 metre to 12 metres.

A beer can boat on the high seas.
 

The race is for four adults in one boat, though there is a junior division for kids using only soda cans. There are six pages of rules but it all boils down to having the right spirit, especially in the funny “Ten Canmandments.” It looks like they’ve added all sorts of fun events over the years and this looks like it would be one great event to attend. Plus I’d much rather be on a beach in Australia than stuck in the heatwave that is California right now.

Jesus for the King of Beers

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Pop artist Ron English has been posting public works — most of them illegal billboards — for years now. He claims to have done more than a thousand of them. Some of them are amazing, insightful and poignant. He did one which showed Jesus Christ with a bottle of Bud and the text, “The King of the Jews, For the King of Beers.”

A billboard created by popaganda artist Ron English
 

In Houston, Texas a few weeks ago — and suspiciously around the same day that a new exhibition began at the Station Museum of Contemporary Art, which included the work of Ron English — another billboard with a similar message appeared.

A billboard that appeared June 21 in Houston, Texas
 

According to the Houston Chronicle, “English denied any direct connection to the Houston billboards and said he no longer posts illegal signs in Texas, where legal penalties are far stiffer than in the Northeast.” In Texas, it’s a misdemeanor carrying up to six months jail time and a $2,000 fine.

Clear Channel Outdoor, a division of Clear Channel the giant media conglomerate who has all but ruined radio in our lifetime, owns the billboard, which is not much of a surprise since they own almost all of them you see. “A company spokesman said, the billboard — like at least two others in the past two months — was hijacked” and not paid for. Billboards the size of the Jesus one (6 by 12 feet) run from $300-500 per month, according to Clear Channel. After about two weeks, the Jesus billboard has now been replaced with a paying customer’s advert.

Apparently it’s wildly popular — love it or hate it — and the billlboard’s tagline is currently one of the top searches on Google. Technorati reports over 1,600 (make that 1,601) posts about the billboard.

Also from the Chronicle article:

What does it mean? The faux-Budweiser ad points to the unscrupulous nature of advertising, Ryan Perry, who works at the Station museum, said. “I think it says that nothing is sacred. That if Jesus sells beer, advertisers wouldn’t mind using him.”

Frankly, the two look dissimilar enough that it would be surprising if it turned out English did it, though I suspect the vandals were aware of his art and the exhibition in town. Personally, I find almost all advertising insulting and annoying so I find things that poke fun at it the best kind of social commentary. This is what the magazine Adbusters is dedicated to doing and I think Ron English’s swipes at modern advertising are likewise necessary to expose the lengths to which corporations will go to hawk their wares. The fact that this one was about beer was just icing on the cake.

Pete’s Beer Troubleshooting Guide

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My friend Pete Slosberg, the genius behind Pete’s Wicked Ales, sent me this funny beer troubleshooting guide. And while I know he didn’t invent it, I can’t help but start that rumor since he sent it to me. It was waiting in my inbox when I arrived home from four days on Kauai this morning. My wife and I just returned from a quick little getaway to Hawaii to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We took a red eye home and stumbled in around 5:30 a.m., bleary-eyed and dog tired. But Pete’s troubleshooting guide perked me up and had me laughing, which was a welcome relief so I thought I’d share it with everyone else. Enjoy. And thanks Pete.
 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SymptomCauseCorrective Action
Feet cold and wetGlass Being held at incorrect angleRotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wetImproper Bladder ControlStand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tastelessa. Glass empty
b. You’re holding a Coors Lite		Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lightsYou have fallen over backwardHave yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashesYou have fallen forwardSee above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is weta. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face		Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor BlurredYou are looking through bottom of empty glassGet someone to buy you another beer
Floor movingYou are being carried outFind out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually darkBar has closedConfirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and texturesBeer consumption has exceeded personal limitationsCover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smilesYou are dancing on the tableFall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clearIt’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you upPunch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeupYou’re in the ladies’ roomDo not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clearYou have been in a fightApologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re inYou’ve wandered into the wrong partySee if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunka. You’re in jail
b. You’re in the navy		Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chapsYou’re in a gay barKeeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distortedThe beer is too weakHave more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the songBeer is just rightPlay air guitar

Square Beer Bottles

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According to an item on Vestal Design’s blog, Alfred Heineken, who is credited with making Heineken beer an international brand, had a unique, if somewhat bizarre, idea to make square beer bottles that could be fitted together and stacked to build houses after people finished drinking them. It was mentioned briefly in his BBC News obituary, but with few details (Heineken passed away in 2002). According to Vestal Design’s account, Alfie was wandering the beach in Jamaica and was struck by the large number of beer bottles littering the beach. He was also apparently “concerned with the lack of cheap building materials, and at the resulting living conditions for the poor.” In one of those same leaping kind of moments that produced Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (you’ve got chocolate in my peanut butter!) he put two and two together and got five. Voila, the square beer bottle was born. Or it would have been, except that Heineken’s board of directors didn’t share his vision. He thought square Heineken bottles would be imported around the world and then they’d stay there and be used to build houses. They thought he was nuts, or at least the idea was.

Vestal Design speculates that you would need one thousand bottles to build a house ten feet square. They also note glass is a good insulator and the bottle was designed in such a way that the bottle neck fit into a groove in the bottom of the bottle so they would essentially fit together. They would certainly stack in your refrigerator better, too, wouldn’t they?

Alfred Heineken’s World Beer bottles, which he envisioned using to build houses.

Yo-Ho-Ho and No Beer

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At today’s London premiere of the sequel to the Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man’s Chest, Keira Knightley told an interviewer she was surprised and miffed that she couldn’t get a beer at the L.A. premiere the previous day, which was held at the happiest place on Earth — and as it turned out the driest — Disneyland.

Knightley told Radio 1 DJ Jo Whiley that “the one in LA was a dry premiere — there was no alcohol because it was Disneyland, which was kind of outrageous and really unexpected. I got in there and went ‘I’d like a beer please’ and they said ‘oh no, sorry, there’s no alcohol in Disneyland’. I said ‘what? I’m British, are you mad?’ So yes, tonight should be good.”

Hilarious. Of course, making money off Johnny Depp’s performance as inspired drunken pirate Jack Sparrow doesn’t seem to be a problem for Disney.

“Hey Mickey, want to join me for a pint?“

Single Hop Festival at Drake’s: “Summit Hop”

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July 8, from Noon to 6:00 p.m., at Drake’s Brewing in San Leandro, California you’ll have a unique opportunity to taste at least sixteen beers all made with the same hop, but with different malt, yeast and water. This should be a lot of fun. Perhaps I’ll see you there.

From the press release:

We will have around 17 local breweries in house with their beers, and all will have made a “single hop beer” or in this case “same hop beer.” The idea was to have each brewer make a beer with their own malt, water and yeast, but have everyone use the same hop. This year we are using the new Summit hop. Come on by and see for yourself how different malts, yeast, water and brewing techniques can change a beer. Brewers will also be bringing some of their other fine products. We will also be playing the game that will be sweeping the brewing nation — Washoe. The $35 admission price includes entry to the fest, all the beer you wish to responsibly consume, entry into the Washoe tournament, a festival t-shirt and a great time. Please join us!

Drake’s is about a 15-20 minute walk from the San Leandro BART station. Buses run up and down Davis Street. Cabs are available at the BART station. We are located at the loading dock area around the back of the Wal-Mart. This is to benefit San Leandro school teachers. Hope to see you here.

 
 

Come out to the festival and meet Drake’s brewers Rodger Davis and Melissa Myers.
 
 

Breweries Attending

  • Bear Republic
  • Bison
  • Drake’s
  • E.J. Phair
  • Eldo’s
  • Iron Springs
  • Magnolia
  • Marin
  • Moylan’s (still a maybe)
  • Piza Port (still a maybe)
  • Rubicon
  • Russian River
  • Sacramento
  • Seabright
  • Sudwerk
  • Thirsty Bear
  • Triple Rock
  • 21st Amendment

 
 

7.8

Single Hop Festival & Washoe Tournament (2nd annual)
Drake’s Brewing, 1933 Davis Street #177, San Leandro, California
510.562.0866 [ website ] [ directions ]

Beware of Flashing Lights

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If you see a flashing red light, run. Run fast. You never know what it might be. Don’t stop to check it out. Perhaps it’s a bomb? After all, that’s what happens to a society when daily terror alerts, local news and a war in Iraq all conspire to keep us fearful, docile and obedient. That’s certainly what happened Tuesday when a bartender at the Swan Lake Resort in Plymouth, Indiana (population: 10,728) saw a flashing red light. Without investigating — after all he thought it might be a bomb — he called police and 35 hotel guests were evacuated.

So why is this here on a beer blog? Because it turned out the blinking light was from a Pabst Blue Ribbon promotional sign suction-cupped to the window and not, happily, a terrorist cell run amuck. Now Plymouth may not be in the middle of nowhere, but you can probably see it from there. The nearest big town is Fort Wayne (not exactly a giant either, at 220,000) 84 miles from there and Chicago is 100 miles away. So yeah, when I see a blinking red light my first thought has got to be terrorist attack. What else could it be?

I don’t mean to necessarily make light of this, but who believes a small town in the midwest almost no one has ever heard of is going to be al Qaeda’s next target? The resort manager was quoted as saying that “the unintentional false alarm is part of living in the post 911 world.” [my emphasis] Now maybe this is because I use words all day, but unintentional? It wasn’t unintentional, which means “not deliberate or intentional; inadvertent.” The alarm was sounded deliberately. A light was seen, a judgment made, and the authorities alerted. Calling it unintentional is just to placate their guests who had to leave their rooms for half an hour.

“Our employee saw something unusual and reported it,” resort manager Doug Leedke said. Was this a new bartender? A new sign? Was the bartender not familiar with POP advertising materials generally? How did he get from blinking light to bomb? What was thought process that would have led him — or indeed anyone — down that path? I live only a few minutes from a site that has been mentioned as a potential target several times — the Golden Gate Bridge — and I almost never think anything about it in those terms. Should I? I don’t think so. I don’t want to go all que será, será, but beyond taking a few obvious precautions, there’s not really a lot I can do.

Another news source reported that the “bartender called authorities about the suspicious flashing light at 12:30 a.m. Monday, and guests were evacuated about six minutes later, said Doug Leedke, general manager of the resort in Plymouth. Six minutes later!?! There must not be an awful lot of crime in Plymouth because I don’t think there’s anywhere in the Bay Area that I could get authorities to do anything in six minutes, which is not to disparage our fine boys in blue here.

Sadly, none of the reports showed a picture of the Pabst ad, and I sure would like to see it so I can decide if this really is as ridiculous as it appears. I searched Pabst’s website hoping to stumble across it but no luck.

Something similar just happened a few days ago when a kindly old woman in Japan left a six-pack by way of thanks at her local police precinct. Again, their first thought was also bomb, and everybody was evacuated until the bomb squad could confirm it contained malt, hops, water and yeast and not nitroglycerine.

I think the beer industry should adopt the slogan “beer not bombs” in an effort to stave off this wave of bad publicity. We need to create a positive message. We can’t have people seeing beer and their first thought is it might explode. I’m not aware of an epidemic of infected malt that would cause gushing on the scale where people would start wearing crash helmets when they shop for beer. So we should be able to safely predict that your beer won’t explode. Fingers crossed.

Nicole Kidman Gives the Gift of Beer

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Apparently actress Nicole Kidman is getting married this weekend to Keith Urban, who I gather is a country singer who was born in New Zealand. Now I don’t really follow celebrity news — that’s my wife’s area of expertise — but I thought this tidbit was pretty amusing. It seems the papparazzi has been staking out at Kidman’s harborside Sydney house in anticipation of the couple’s impending nuptials. Around twenty photographers were camped out and presumably will be there until the wedding this weekend. Like most modern big celebrities, her relationship with the media is occasionally tense and strained but apparently this time she decided to try a different tactic in dealing with them. She sent out a case of Victora Bitter and some bottled water along with a note that read simply “Enjoy!” That’s only one beer per person and a potentil fight over the remaining four, but it’s really the thought that counts. And the last thing she probably wanted was a drunk papparazzi singing bad drinking songs outside her house while she was trying to sleep.

Victoria Bitter is brewed by Foster’s and, as I understand it, is far more popular in Australia than Foster’s ever was.

Victoria Bitter

Australia’s favourite full strength beer, Victoria Bitter or VB as it’s fondly known, has a tradition of rewarding hard work and hard play, dating back to the 1890s. Over the last 10 years, it’s been a consistent winner in the esteemed Australian Liquor Industry Awards (ALIA), more recently picking up “Best Full Strength Beer” in 2001, “Tap Beer of the Year” in 2002, and “Best Full Strength Beer” again in 2003.

VB is a full flavoured brew, less malty in character and slightly darker than CUB’s traditional lagers. A gentle fruitiness in the aroma complements the sweet malt on the mid-palate balancing perfectly with a robust, hop bitterness.

Style: full strength bitter lager
Alcohol: 4.9%

(From the Foster’s Group website.)

Additional Info

VB, as it commonly called, has the largest market share of any beer sold in Australia. It’s brewed by Carlton & United Breweries, a subsidiary of the Foster’s Group. Most people who’ve tried it think it’s more of a mainstream lager than a true bitter. But when I was the beer buyer for BevMo we used to get lots and lots of requests for this beer. It is not, however, imported to the U.S. as far as I know.

Who’s thirsty now?