Last week, I posted a useful tip from the UK on how to make sure someone who’s passed out doesn’t choke. I just stumbled upon yet another good drinking tip, this one from a Winter Park, Florida medical facility, Aloma Urgent Care. In an effort to advertise their services, they’ve created graphics showing the right and wrong way to assist a friend in need, who may need to quickly get rid of too much recently ingested food and/or drink. A true friend knows the right way.
For the second time in less than a year, the lazy producers at the Today Show had a segment about beer hosted by someone from Food & Wine magazine. This time it was Gail Simmons, who’s perhaps better known as a judge on the Bravo television show Top Chef. I’ve looked over her biography and I can’t for the life of me find any mention of beer whatsoever.
The advice she gives isn’t terrible, though it’s pretty basic to the point where she couldn’t really go too far off the rails. Most of the beers are fairly pedestrian, but they most likely have to be available for a national audience. It was nice at least to see Lagunitas IPA and Victory Prima Pils highlighted. Although I can’t for the life me understand why they put the IPA in a pilsner glass!?!
I know most people’s take on this is that we should be glad beer is getting any positive attention — and I am — but I’m also enough of a curmudgeon to want it to be on our terms. I know I keep hammering this point, but it just doesn’t seem that unreasonable to want wine experts to talk about wine, food experts to talk about food and plumbing experts to talk about plumbing. For almost any expertise you could name, that’s the way it’s done and most people would agree that makes sense. But when it comes to beer, mass media seems to believe almost anyone can be an instant expert on beer for no better reason than a familiarity with another alcoholic beverage or food more generally. And that’s likely because of their own ignorance, believing that beer is only the commodity it’s portrayed as by the big beer company’s advertising and marketing. That, plus being too lazy to take the time to learn anything different. But for fuck’s sake, there are plenty of beer magazines around these days. Surely they must have run across one of them. Perhaps they’ve heard of Google? A quick search would reveal hundreds, if not thousands, of people who know more about beer and food pairing than Gail Simmons.
Evidence of their ignorance comes out loud and clear when segment host Lester Holt tells Simmons the following. “Thanks for legitimizing beer. I’m one of those beer drinkers that feels funny ordering a beer in a nice restaurant instead of wine sometimes.” First of all, and no offense to Simmons, but she’s done nothing, absolutely nothing, to “legitimize” beer. That work has been done by thousands of dedicated craft brewers, beer writers and aficionados over thirty years of hard, patient work. Her magazine is now addressing craft beer because of the groundwork laid by all those people; she’s reacting to the market, not leading it. That Holt offhandedly gives her “credit” for so many other people’s hard work is deeply offensive and just plain pisses me off.
Secondly, why on Earth would anyone “feel funny” ordering what they want with a meal? How sad that anyone would feel they “must” order wine with any meal in a restaurant. When he made that statement, you could almost hear the collective marketing world patting themselves on the back. When you convince people that wine is the only thing to order in a fine restaurant to the point where they “feel funny” doing anything different, that’s a great victory for advertising. But when any industry persuades society to believe what they want them to wholesale and unquestioning, that can be deeply damaging to the world as a whole. Life becomes skewed, and I would argue that’s our world today. A century of advertising has made us “feel” certain things about brands, specific companies and their products. You have to marvel at the success of it all when you see millions of people voluntarily wear clothing with corporate logos on them, essentially paying for the privilege of advertising for them. That no one thinks twice about it boggles the mind.
With wine, this manifests itself in the way newspapers and other media have “wine sections” or “wine and food sections” that cover all beverages. Even the Today Show’s website has a Food & Wine section. Can somebody explain to my why it can’t be Food & Drink or Food & Beverage? Why is it always exclusive and not inclusive? Of course, like Food & Wine magazine, they all do occasionally include articles about beer, spirits and even coffee, so why not call it by a name that reflects that? Perhaps they’d cover beer more often if wine wasn’t in the title? I’d at least feel better if the Today Show’s “expert” came from, if not a beer magazine, at least a Food & Drinks magazine. That might go a long way to “legitimize beer” and their coverage of it.
Sunday afternoon I turned on the television determined to find something new that I could watch with the kids. Left to their own devices my kids would watch the same cartoons over and over and over again. Even good ones (we had been watching The Tick and the old Fleischer Superman series) grow old very quickly on endlessly repeated viewings. As luck would have it, we caught the very beginning of the 1966 film Batman, based on the popular Batman television series starring Adam West and Burt Ward. It ran for three seasons from 1966-68 and, needless to say, I was a fan. I was seven the year it began, the same age as my son Porter is now, and it quickly became my favorite TV show.
So I thought this would be perfect for the kids to watch with me, and in truth it was. Porter was particularly thrilled with the ham-fisted acting, the ludicrous plot and the oh-so cheesy special effects. It was fun watching it again through his eyes. But as I’d not seen it in quite some time, it was an interesting time capsule of the Sixties. The way they watered-down Batman as a do-gooder not only authorized by the City of Gotham, but embraced by both the establishment and the citizens seemed almost quaint given the dark vigilante themes explored in later versions of the Batman legend. The characters could not have been more square, establishment and unintentionally funny. In the midst of Vietnam, social unrest and political upheaval, television was escapist fare in way I don’t think it’s managed since that time. But despite adopting the bright, garish technicolors of the younger generation, everything about the show was correct and proper, reflecting not the growing baby boomer sentiments, but the established morals and mores of the generation before that, my parents generation, who were born before World War II. In fact, the way they portrayed young people on the show as hippies, beatniks and other unsavory stereotypes was downright hostile and seems almost laughable were it not such an unsubtle attack on them.
As a first-grader in 1966, I noticed none of this, of course, but undoubtedly this was the reason my parents let me watch the show at all, since it was devoid of any message they didn’t approve of and in fact probably more matched their own moral compass. But all of that is my long-winded set up to a scene in the film which surprised the hell out of me yesterday, though upon reflection it really shouldn’t have.
Batman and Robin were down at the docks, the place where nefarious types always congregate, and Batman had climbed in a window in some shady building that housed a bar only to discover a bomb. And not just any bomb, but one of those round, black cartoon bombs with a fuse sticking out of the top that burns nearly forever. For several minutes Batman runs around holding the bomb out in front of him looking for a safe place to dispose of it, only to be thwarted at every turn. It’s hilarious, really; every place he runs he finds a baby stroller, a group of nuns, boy scouts, or something along those lines. I can only imagine the brainstorming session that yielded that scene. Eventually, he finds a safe place, and throws the bomb into the water. Robin catches up with him and they discuss what just happened and Batman’s unwillingness to let innocent people die. And in that exchange, Batman sums up what I imagine was the prevailing way that people at that time regarded people who drink too much.
Robin: You risked your life to save that riff-raff at the bar?
Batman: They may be drinkers, Robin, but they’re also human beings … and may be salvaged. I had to do it.
The way he says “human beings,” he practically chokes on the words, like he’s hard pressed to actually believe they could be human, but still knows he should believe it because it makes him a better person. But it’s not even their humanity that saves them, but instead the fact that they may have the potential to change their wicked ways, to “be salvaged.” That Robin seemed surprised that the “riff-raff” bar folk might be worth saving, I think, says quite a lot. Holy propaganda, Batman!
Wow, to be someone who patronized a bar circa 1966 was to be the lowest of the low, only barely redeemable, a belief many neo-prohibitionists still appear to believe. At least most rational people no longer adhere to such nonsense. Happily, bars have changed, people have changed, and the beer they serve in them has, too. In fact, even Batman has changed. I’d bet even he’d drink a nice craft beer when he’s in his alter-ego guise as Billionaire Bruce Wayne. Thank goodness the Sixties are over.
The Brewers Association in Boulder, Colo. just released some statistics about the mid-years sales of craft beer and the number of breweries in America. From the press release:
Dollar growth from craft brewers during the first half of 2009 increased 9%, down from 11% growth during the same period in 2008. Volume of craft brewed beer sold grew 5% for the first six months in 2009, compared to 6.5% growth in the first half of 2008. Barrels sold by craft brewers for the first half of the year is an estimated 4.2 million, compared to 4 million barrels sold in the first half of 2008.
The other big news in the release is that the number of breweries operating in America now stands at 1,525, the highest number in a century.
| U.S. Breweries as of July 31, 2009 |
| 962 Brewpubs 456 Microbreweries 64 Regional Craft Breweries 1,482 Total US Craft Breweries 20 Large Breweries 23 Other Breweries 1,525 Total US Breweries |
As the press release stresses, that’s due almost entirely to the growth of craft beer:
The U.S. now boasts 1,525 breweries, the highest number in 100 years when consolidation and the run up to Prohibition reduced the number of breweries to 1,498 in 1910. “The U.S. has more breweries than any other nation and produces a greater diversity of beer styles than anywhere else, thanks to craft brewer innovation,” Gatza added.
Some other interesting tidbits:
First there was Nude Beer (in its many incarnations), then Wanker, Skinny Blonde Ale and now comes the latest beer to play to the basest instincts of the male beer drinker: lingerie canned beer with fishnet stockings.
At least that was my original thought. The Fishnet Cans have been blogged and re-blogged all over that series of tubes known as the internet. But, as it turns out, they are just one of a pretty big series of can designs by Russian artist/illustrator Ramm ND. It’s not necessarily his or her fault that so many chose to highlight the one prurient themed can and ignored the more poignant works. Human nature is what it is. Take a closer look at the Fishnet Cans and you’ll begin to see new details that defy it being simply to titillate. Then take a look at his entire oeuvre of cans. Some are beer and some are soda, but they’re all more interesting than I would have guessed from just seeing the one in fishnets.
In fact, going through Ramm’s entire portfolio is eye-opening. And I think he’s making some larger points. These aren’t just can designs, they’re works of art using cans as the medium.
Ramm also has another portfolio on Coroflot.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am a geek of many stripes. So I mean no disrespect to my (possibly) geekier brethren who play online games in MMORPGs (which stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games), the most popular of which are probably World of Warcraft, Second Life, Civilization IV and Runescape, to name but a few of the literally hundreds of them. I confess I’m no stranger to D&D, but it’s been nearly 30 years since I picked up an 8-sided die. When such games went online, they left me behind. It wasn’t that they weren’t without interest, but I recognized that I needed another time suck like a hole in the head, and simply stayed away. These online worlds have since increased exponentially in terms of detail, sophistication and complexity.
Which brings me to Asheron’s Call, a ten-year old MMORPG. Originally created by Microsoft, since 2004 it’s been maintained and expanded by Turbine that takes place in the land of Dereth and its surrounding islands. In addition to the “official” game site, there are several fansites that add additional dimensions to the game. One of these is called Asheron’s Call Vault. Like all of these games, your character (or Avatar) needs some kind of nourishment to survive so there’s food you can find or make to eat. But Asheron’s Call added another way to nourish yourself: brewing beer. Here’s an overview:
Serious Beer Drinking
(Brews that can make you stronger)Break out the beer mugs, open up the pubs 24 hours a day, and get ready to drink some brew that can make you smarter, healthier, more coordinated, or more focused!
Up until the invention of these brews, tinker characters relied on those brave Olthoi Queen slayers, to bring them back eggs to bake up tasty treats that increased their attributes. The downsides to these were that first, the eggs were not terribly abundant, they were heavy, and the resulting effects only lasted 15 minutes. There did not seem to be recipes for all attributes, either.
Then an intrepid hunter found some Tusker Spit one day, and brought it to his cook, who went to Sanamar to shop for goods, and happened upon some wonderful recipes for brewing! Some time later, Moarsmuck was discovered, and cooks had additional recipes at their disposal.
The advantages to these brews over Olthoi Food is obvious. They are longer lasting, which means hunters can take them into the field and use them while hunting. The core ingredients of Tusker Spit and Moarsmuck are far easier to come by, and more abundant than Olthoi Eggs, so one needn’t save the brew for “Special Occasions”.
So, whether you prefer the hearty tangy bite of the saliva from a Tusker, or the more mellow, slightly slimy taste of the Moarsman’s remains, below you will find recipes for all six of the wonderful brews that you can take along with you on a daily basis, and shower on your favorite tinker character without reservation.
To brew beer, you need to go on a Quest for the Brewmaster’s Bible, pieces of which are hidden in four separate places. Once you acquire the Brewmaster’s Bible, you can learn “the arcane secrets of that most magical craft known to all Isparian-kind as Brewing!”
Here’s an excerpt from the beginning of the bible:
There are four main ingredients in any good brew: barley, yeast, hops, and water. The color of your barley controls the color of your brew. Amber barley nets you an amber brew, dark barley gets you a nice stout, and plain barley will give you a clear lager.
Yeast is used to ferment your beer. The higher the quality of the yeast the better. Dried yeast tends to get you a much higher quality brew than liquid yeast.
As for hops, the greener the better! Hops provide that bitter taste that makes beer so deliciously delicious. But some beers can be too bitter – bordering on undrinkable (though no beer is truly undrinkable, truth be told). These beers are usually crafted from yellowish, nasty hops. Discerning beer drinkers prize only those beers made from the greenest of hops.
And the final ingredient – the one that ties it all together – is water. Many people ignore the importance that water plays in the brewing process, but those of us who have spent our lives mastering this craft truly understand that without this life-giving liquid, we would have no beer at all!
The basic process for brewing is simple: First you fill your Brew Kettle with Water. Then you add Barley to create a Wort. Once that is done, you add Hops to finish your Wort. Once the Wort is finished, you add your Yeast. At this point, you have a Fermented Brew.
Now, you can do one of two things with a Fermented Brew. You can keg it or you can add an additive. Kegging a Fermented Brew will get you a nice, tasty beer of which you can be very proud. But the truly spectacular beers obtain their unique flavors from those additives which set them apart from the rest of the pack. On Ispar, I had any number of additives in my possession that allowed me to create those beers which made my family so famous. So far, the harsh climate of these wintry islands has not allowed me to find many additives worthy of the great craft of brewing.
The process itself is nicely complex and reasonably accurate, for a RPG. Here’s a visual overview:
First, get yourself a brew kettle: 
Fill it with 
(water) + 
(barley) = 
A Full Kettle.
There are even different kinds of barley you can use, including plain, amber and roasted. If you have a baking pan, you can even roast your own barley.
Then add 
(ultra green hops) + 
(yeast).
And depending on the recipe, you also add something called a “monster component” such as Moarsmuck or Tusker Spit: 
There appear to be literally dozens, easily more than a hundred, different beers one could brew, such as Amber Ape Brew, Angree’s Angry Ale, Apothecary Zongo’s Stout, Distasteful Dark Wort, Duke Raoul’s Distillation, Glorious Lager or Putrid Tusker Spit Ale. Depending on the kind of beer, it can add to your character’s coordination, endurance, focus, quickness or strength; just like in real life.
These can either be put in a 
(keg) or 
(bottles) to create the final product = 
(beer).
And that’s just one infinitesimal piece of the world of Asheron’s Call. I have enough trouble keeping up in the real world, but I can’t help but be impressed by the beer in Asheron’s Call. I have to wonder, though, just what does Tusker spit taste like?
There was an interesting look at the current state of the craft beer movement in today’s Philadelphia Inquirer by food columnist Rick Nichols. Though it’s Sam-centric, Heady Days for Craft Breweries is worth a read.
Today’s work of art depicts Life in the Hop Garden, and is by illustrator Phoebus Levin. It was painted in 1859 and today the original resides at the Towneley Hall Art Gallery and Museum located in Burnley, Lancashire.
Levin lived from 1836-1878 and was born in Berlin, but exhibited in London from 1855-1878. That’s about all the biographical information I could find about him. You can see a few more of his works at My Art Prints and ArtNet.
Accompanying a story about the JD Wetherspoons pub chain offering very cheap pints, the chart below offers some sound advice on keeping your over-indulging buddy stay alive. In a sense, it seems to be their commentary on what offering cheap pints will do, making it funny, but it’s also a good tip should you ever encounter someone passed out. It could happen. Now you’ll know what to do.
The original story ran in Bad Idea, a UK magazine which bills itself as “the magazine of journalism, ideas and opinion for intelligent young Britain. Reinvigorating the form of narrative journalism, it’s the new stomping ground for ambitious young British writers, a braggadocious melting pot of tragedy, parties, love, death, cybersex and stretched cricket metaphors.” Which still makes me wonder if they’re serious or have their tongue firmly in their cheek.
According to the press release, “The “First Ever” short-film festival on the subject of BEER will debut at the Monterey Beer Festival on June 5th, 2010, from 12:30pm to 5pm.” Do you love beer? Have you ever thought about being a filmmaker? Or perhaps you’re already a professional or even amateur filmmaker. If so, here’s your chance to showcase your talent with a short (3 minutes or less) film about beer. The deadline for submissions is May 1, 2010 and the form and rules can be found on the Night That Never Ends website. It’s free to enter your film.
There are four separate categories for you to submit a film under:
Organizer Jeff Moses expects lots of lighthearted looks at brew, including personal stories about drinking beer with friends or visiting breweries. He also anticipates a few entries by “serious brewers” who’ll reveal the exact steps to making beer. I’m anticipating that Greg Koch will have an entry. Moses says being a bona fide beer connoisseur isn’t necessary for the creative process — just having a “connection” to brew should suffice. He also suggests “filmmakers throw back brewskis after shooting and avoid keg stands so they’re actually able to finish their projects.”
The Short Pour Film Fest will take place on June 5th, 2010, during the Monterey Beer Festival (and is free to festival attendees) at the Monterey Fairgrounds, 2004 Fairgrounds Road, Monterey, California, 93940 and will be free of charge to Monterey Beer Festival attendees.
Short Pour Film Fest honors both individuals who have achieved excellence in short filmmaking and amateur filmmakers. This unique short-film festival showcases film making talent on the subject of BEER.
Films will be shown in the historic ”King City Room”, a 10,000 square foot building at the Monterey Fairgrounds (home to The Monterey Jazz Festival & The Monterey Blues Festival).