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Why Aren’t There Beer-Barrel Trees?

August 6, 2018 By Jay Brooks

wood-barrel
Today is the birthday of Piers Anthony Dillingham Jacob (born 6 August 1934 in Oxford, England). He “is an English-American author in the science fiction and fantasy genres, publishing under the name Piers Anthony. He is most famous for his long-running novel series set in the fictional realm of Xanth. Although I’m an avid reader and love the SciFi/Fantasy genre, I have not read any of his books. But using Google Books today to search through some of his work, I kept coming across something interesting, that I thought should really exist, but sadly does not: “beer-barrel trees.”

Apparently, a lot of his books take place in “the fictional realm of Xanth,” which is shaped suspiciously like Florida.

xanth-poster

There’s a long-running novel series set in Xanth, which is his most popular work. There are currently 41 novels in the series, beginning with A Spell for Chameleon, which was first published in 1977. The most recent Xanth book is 2017’s Ghost Writer in the Sky, and there are at least four more in various stages of development.

xanth-collage

One thing I learned is that the realm of Xanth has a very interesting feature:

Plants may bear fruit of all descriptions (pie trees and shoe trees are common) or they may be carnivorous (such as the tangle trees), making travel in Xanth risky.

I remember in the Wizard of Oz books, there were trees that grew entire box lunches and dinner. They were called Lunch-Pail Trees and Dinner-Pail Trees. You’d pluck them like fruit, described as “square paper boxes, which grew in clusters on all the limbs, and upon the biggest and ripest boxes the word ‘Lunch’ could be read in neat raised letters.” In the Dinner-Pail Trees, which were heavier, Dorothy found “a small tank full of lemonade, slices of turkey, slices of cold tongue, lobster salad, bread and butter, a small custard pie, an orange, some strawberries, and cracked nuts and raisins.” That appeared in the third book, “Ozma of Oz,” from 1907.

But in the Xanth series, Anthony takes the concept to new heights, with the various trees providing all manner of things. In “Geis of the Gargoyle,” the 18th book from 1984, for example, there’s a bread tree that grows loaves of bread and growing next to it, a butternut tree. Squeeze the butter onto the bread, and you have bread and butter.

But my favorite, of course, is the beer-barrel tree, which from what I can piece together is a tree with a tank of beer beneath the bark. You can tap the tree, and drink the beer from it. The beerbarrel tree is first mentioned in the first book, A Spell for Chameleon, on page 15, early in the story.

“Bink glanced across at the unique tree she indicated. There were many kinds of trees in Xanth, a number of them vital to the economy. Beerbarrel trees were tapped for drink, and oilbarrel trees for fuel, and Bink’s own footwear came from a mature shoe tree east of the village. But Justin Tree was something special, a species never sprouted from seed.”

And then it comes up again in Chapter 16:

“‘I think we’d better hide,’ Trent said.

Good idea. They went around a beer barrel tree and watched silently.

The thumping became very loud. The whole tree shook. TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP! Small branches fell off the tree, and a leak sprang in the trunk. A thin jet of beer splashed under Bink’s nose. He fell back; even in the human state, he had never liked that drink. He peered around the trunk, but nothing was there.”

xanth-art-00

In the fourth book, “Centaur Aisle,” they’re mentioned again and also mentioned are winekeg trees.

“Dor soon found himself thirsty, for the pudding was highly spiced, so he drank—and found the beverage a cross between sweet beer and sharp wine from indifferent beerbarrel and winekeg trees.”

And in the fifth book, “Ogre, Ogre,” it’s revealed there are even trees whose fruit will make you think you’re smart.

“You were smart enough to fool everyone into thinking you were ogrishly stupid! Smash, Chem told me about the Eye Queue vine. Its effect wears off in hours. Sometimes its effect is only in self-perception. It makes creatures think they’re smart when they aren’t, and they make colossal fools of themselves without knowing it. Like people getting drunk on the spillage from a beerbarrel tree, thinking they’re being great company when actually they are disgusting clowns. My father used to tell me about that; he said he’d made a clown of himself more than once. Only it’s worse with the vine.”

And this perhaps may be the first mention of chocolate and beer-pairing on Xanth, from the sixth book, Night Mare.”

“The Spy I balls showed the Nextwavers making camp and foraging for food and drink. They were catching on to the bounties of Xanth and now, instead of burning out the “region, they were hammering out chocolate chips from an outcropping of chocolithic rock and tapping beer-barrel trees for flagons of foaming natural brew, to which they seemed to be quite partial.”

Xanth Dragon on a Pedestal

By the seventh book, “Dragon on a Pedestal,” there’s a longer passage about the beerbarrel tree.

“Irene looked around. “There’s a beer-barrel tree behind us.” She dismounted, picked her way through the treacherous stones of the riverbed, keeping a nervous eye out for snakes, and went to the huge, swollen barrel of the tree. Now she realized why the streambed was dry—the magic snake had caused all creatures here to drink until the water was gone. Too bad that had not been obvious before!

She used her knife to punch a hole in the bark. Yellow beer spouted out. This might not be the best liquid for the golem to drink, but there was plenty of it, enough to quench the thirst of a hundred golems.

Grundy hurried up and put his little mouth to the stream of beer. He gulped the stuff down insatiably.

Irene watched with growing amazement as the golem swallowed more than his own mass in beer and kept on drinking.

The stream seemed to be flowing into a bottomless hole. His body swelled up like a watermelon, but still he drank.”

I especially like this passage, from the eighth book, “Crewel Lye,” from 1984.

“It was dusk, and I had scrounged up some sugar sand and tapped a beer-barrel tree for beer, the true barbarian beverage. My head was spinning pleasantly, detaching my mind from my tired feet.”

xanth-art-2

By book ten, “Vale of the Vole,” creatures were using dead beerbarrel trees for hideouts.

“His hideout was in the hollow trunk of a dead beerbarrel tree. He had been lucky: he had been in the vicinity in the month of AwGhost, when barrel trees gave up the ghost if they were going to, and had seen the spirit departing. “Aw, Ghost!” he had exclaimed in the classic ogre manner, and that had enchanted the tree so that he could take over the husk without creating a local commotion. He had cut a door in the fat trunk that sealed tightly so that it didn’t show from outside, and made vents so that the steamy beer smell could dissipate; his mother, Tandy, would never understand if he came home reeking of beer!”

In book twelve, “Man From Mundania,” we learn that the beer from beerbarrel trees in different regions taste different.

“One day Girard spied a new human settlement, deep in the forest. He knew he should stay clear but it happened to be one of his favorite forests, so he remained to see what was going on. It turned out that the beerbarrel trees of this region were especially potent, and the man who was tapping them was hauling the beer to a distant village.

He kept the secret of the trees’ location so that only he could tap them. Realizing that, Girard was satisfied, because it meant that no more humans would be coming here, and it would still be safe for giants as long as they watched out for this one homestead.”

Apparently, using old beerbarrel trees for homes had become commonplace by book 17, “Harpy Thyme,” from 1993.

“They walked on, refreshed, waving goodbye to the nice man. They found a convenient path around a small hill. There was a tree house: someone had cut a door and windows into an old beerbarrel tree and made it into a house. There was no longer any smell of beer, so the tree must have drained some time before. It was surrounded by fancy iris flowers. Nearby were assorted fruit trees, and one spreading nut, bolt, and washer tree.”

This is from 1994’s “Geis of the Gargoyle.”

“They finished with some fluid from a leaning beer barrel tree; someone had kindly provided it with a spigot, and there were some mugwumps nearby with pretty mugs. The stuff was dusky colored and it foamed, but it tasted good and Gary drank several mugsful. After that he felt better than ever, if somewhat unsteady.”

xanth-art-1

After some absence from several books, in the 23rd book, “Xone of Contention,” published in 1999, beerbarrel trees reappear and are explained again.

“What are those?” she asked, pointing to several grossly fat-trunked growths.

“Beerbarrel trees. Their trunks contain beer They are rather popular in some circles “

“You mean people get drunk in Xanth?” she asked, surprised.

“Some do. I confess I do not understand what they see in such activity.”

A few years later, in 2005’s “Pet Peeve,” which is book 29, we discover there are also ale trees, which are cousins to the beerbarrel tree.

“The zombie brought another bottle. “This will do,” Breanna said. “This is ale, from a local ale-ing tree. They are cousins of the beerbarrel trees.” She popped it open and poured foaming glasses. “This is honey brown ale, because we have bees nearby. We avoid the ones growing near wild oats.”

“Oh? Why?” Hannah asked.

“Because men who drink wild oat ale become unduly attractive to nymphs, and attracted to nymphs,” Breanna said tightly. “And women don’t like it. The ale, I mean. It tastes cheap.”

Goody sipped his ale. It was heady stuff.”

Xanth Golem in the Gears

Apparently the beer from beerbarrel trees have medicinal uses, too, which we learn in book 30, “Stork Naked.”

“But the man was not annoyed. “I came to see the Good Magician to learn how to nullify my blue nose. But the Gorgon knew the answer and gave it to me free: I have only to drink the liquid of the beer barrel tree. So now I don’t have to serve a year for my answer.”

Here’s another nice passage about Xanth beer from book 31, “Air Apparent.”

“He walked to an old beerbarrel tree. Someone had installed a spigot in its trunk, with a mug. That was thoughtful. He took the mug, turned the spigot, and got himself a foaming mug of beer. Then he sat down and leaned his back against the tree as he drank it. The beer quickly went to his head, making him reminisce.”

In this book, we also learn that every beerbarrel tree also has a beer cellar.

“I can see that. Did you happen to see any—any bodies here?”

“No, but we know where they are. In the beer cellar.”

“Do you mean wine cellar?” Wira asked.

“This was a beerbarrel tree, not a winebarrel tree. It has a beer cellar.”

The woman and centaur exchanged a look of burgeoning hope. “A cellar!” Debra said.

They inspected the ground, and discovered a square panel embedded in the center. It had a heavy ring set in its metal. They hauled on the ring together, and slowly the panel came up. There was a dark hole below, with steps leading down.

“Time for some help,” Wira said. “Ilene! Nimbus! We need the illusion of light here.”

In less than a moment the two were there. “I can’t make illusions,” Ilene said. “They have to exist first.”

“Isn’t my glow an illusion?” Nimbus asked, gazing eagerly into the hole.

“Maybe it is,” Ilene agreed. She focused, and the boy’s faint glow became bright.

“Still, I had better go first,” Wira said. “I don’t need light, and I don’t want to put the children at risk.”

She closed her eyes and started down the steps.

“This is fun,” Nimbus said.

“It seems safe,” Wira called from below.

Nimbus and Ilene went down, his glow illuminating everything. That helped, because Debra was far too large to join them. “What’s down there?” she called.”

“Ninety-nine bottles of beer,” Ilene called back.

“And some orange cones,” the boy added. “Dodging around.”

This hardly made sense. “Cones?”

“There are words printed on them,” Ilene said. “Nundrum.”

Debra groaned. “Cone-nundrum. A pun.”

“I found the bodies,” Wira called. “They’re alive!”

Debra was so relieved she sank to her knees. “Thank you, fate,” she breathed.”

Xanth Demons Dont Dream

In “Two to the Fifth,” from 2008, which is the 32nd book, we find out a little more about ale trees.

“This was a beer-barrel tree, with a huge cylindrical trunk filled or partly filled with beer. Or was it? He tapped again, analyzing the sound. No, not beer, but ale; this was an ale tree. Its beverage would be a bit stronger.”

In 2010, it’s revealed in book 34, “Knot Gneiss,” that beerbarrel trees have some odd personality quirks.

“There was an old dead beerbarrel tree in the direction Wenda was pointing. From it leaked a few muffled laughs.

“It got infected with bad humor and died,” Wenda said. “Beerbarrels can’t stand bad taste.”

During a tour of the plant life in Xanth, in book 36, “Luck of the Draw,” we get a sense of how puns work in the realm.

“They encountered a copse of huge-trunked trees with patterns of tightly fitting boards. “Those look like beer barrels,” Bryce said.

“They are. Except these ones are alebarrel trees. Tap them and you get ale. But they’re standard; no pun there.”

“Still, Rachel is pointing.”

They followed the direction of the dog’s point. It looked like a small mint plant growing next to one of the trees. “I don’t recognize this,” Mindy said.

“A mint,” he said. “Next to an ale tree. An Ale Mint. Ailment?”

The plant dissolved. He had gotten it.”

xanth

But in the end, the real question is just why aren’t there any Beer-Barrel Trees in the real world?

Filed Under: Beers, Just For Fun, Related Pleasures Tagged With: Fantasy, Humor, Literature

Ballantine’s Literary Ads: Clarence Budington Kelland

July 11, 2018 By Jay Brooks

ballantine
Between 1951 and 1953, P. Ballantine and Sons Brewing Company, or simply Ballentine Beer, created a series of ads with at least thirteen different writers. They asked each one “How would you put a glass of Ballantine Ale into words?” Each author wrote a page that included reference to their beer, and in most cases not subtly. One of them was Clarence Budington Kelland, who was an American writer. He once described himself as “the best second-rate writer in America”

Today is the birthday of Clarence Budington Kelland (July 11, 1881–February 18, 1964). “Although largely forgotten now, Kelland had a long career as a writer of fiction and short stories, stretching from 1913 to 1960. He was published in many magazines, including The Saturday Evening Post and The American Magazine. A prolific writer, his output included sixty novels and some two hundred short stories. His best known juvenile works were the Mark Tidd series and the Catty Atkins series, while his best known adult work was the Scattergood Baines series. Other notable adult books by Kelland include Conflict (1920), Rhoda Fair (1925), Hard Money (1930), Arizona (1939), and Dangerous Angel (1953). Kelland was the “literary idol” of the teenaged John O’Hara. He was referred to in a 1995 installment of Harlan Ellison’s television commentary, Harlan Ellison’s Watching for the program Sci-Fi Buzz, wherein Ellison laments what he perceives as a prevailing cultural illiteracy.

Kelland’s work resulted in some thirty Hollywood movies, including Speak Easily (1932) starring Buster Keaton. Opera Hat, a serial from The American Magazine, was the basis for the film Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936) starring Gary Cooper. Opera Hat later was turned into the short-lived television series Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1969–70), and the movie Mr. Deeds (2002). One of Kelland’s best-known characters was featured in the Scattergood Baines series of six films from 1941 to 1943, starring Guy Kibbee.”

Ballantine-Clarence-Budington-Kelland

His 1952 piece for Ballantine was done as a reminiscence of his first taste of Ballantine in America, just after a well-played round of golf:

Ballangine is a companionable drink.

With a glass in hand, conversation seems to flow more freely, and even controversial subjects are discussed more tolerantly in a spirit of friendship.

Ballantine Ale does not interrupt, but becomes a charming part of conversation. It seems to belong with pleasant words and valued friends — to be lingered over its thoughtful enjoyment.

When a party of gentlemen gathers for purposes serious or genial, Ballantine Ale becomes a sort of moderator. It seems, somehow, to mellow the atmosphere in tune with its own mellowness. It is the most desirable of all social beverages.

Ballantine-Clarence-Budington-Kelland-text

Filed Under: Beers, Breweries, Just For Fun, Related Pleasures Tagged With: Advertising, Ballantine, History, Literature

Visual Poetry: Let’s Have A Beer

June 23, 2018 By Jay Brooks

poetry
So this post will be chiefly for the literary, and especially poetry lovers, among you, a small subset of beer lovers who also enjoy art. Visual poetry is “a development of concrete poetry but with the characteristics of intermedia in which non-representational language and visual elements predominate. In other words, it was experimental or avant-garde poetry in which the arrangement of the text also was a part of the poem’s meaning, which was communicated both visually and through the text itself.

Two Mexican poets in the 1920s, José D. Frias and José María González de Mendoza were both expatriates living in France and became friends, later exchanging humorous letters between themselves and their literary friends. Today is Mendoza’s birthday, which is what reminded me of this.

In 1923, the pair wrote a letter from Paris to fellow poet Francisco Orozco Muñoz that included four visual poems. They were based on the work of French poet Guillaume Apollinaire, who a few years before wrote a book of visual poetry entitled Calligrammes: Poems of Peace and War 1913-1916. They also were influenced by Japanese Haiku, which had become popular at the time in their literary circles, as opposed to Apollinaire’s more cubist or l’esprit nouveau poetry.

Three of the visual poems were written by Frias and translated visually by Mendoza. But the fourth poem was done entirely by Mendoza, and it’s the one below. All four poems contain witty references to the fact that Muñoz was living in Brussels.

lets-have-a-beer

The text is in the shape of a mug of beer, sitting on a table, and reads, according to several books on visual poetry, “Let’s Have a Beer” followed by “The Sun Has Already Set in Flanders.”

Filed Under: Birthdays, Just For Fun, Related Pleasures Tagged With: Belgium, Literature, Mexico, Poetry

The Etymological Compendium On Beer

May 24, 2018 By Jay Brooks

book
So this is another word nerd find. The book is titled “The Etymological Compendium, or Portfolio of Origins and Inventions,” published in 1828 (although I’ve also come across a copy from 1830).

etymological-compendium

The explanations involving beer are fairly interesting, where in Section XI: Agriculture, Horticulture, Vegetables, Fruits, Plants, Flowers, Beverages, Etc. they have the following:

ec-hops-ia

flourish

ec-barley-ia

flourish

ec-ale

flourish

ec-porter-1-ia
ec-porter-2-ia

flourish

And this is from Section XV: Epithets and Phrases:

take-a-drop-1

take-a-drop-2

flourish

And finally, this odd historical anecdote is from Section XIII: Public Buildings, Inns of Court, Wards, Churches, Streets, and Localities of London and Westminster.”

hyde-park-1
hyde-park-2

flourish

Filed Under: Just For Fun, Related Pleasures Tagged With: History, Literature, Words

Jack Kerouac’s Beer Prank

March 12, 2018 By Jay Brooks

kerouac
Today is Jack Kerouac’s birthday, one of the original beat writers, whose most famous work, On the Road, provided the voice for an entire generation. By all accounts he favored margaritas when drinking, and was quoted as saying “Don’t drink to get drunk. Drink to enjoy life.” After his premature death at 47, he’s continued to be hailed as a great writer. In 1987, John Montgomery compiled and published (through Fels & Firn Press), The Kerouac We Knew, of which only 1500 copies were printed.

kerouac-we-knew

It’s a collection of remembrances, essays and photographs about Kerouac, one of which was entitled “Footnotes from Lowell.” It’s apparently written by the Kerouac family’s paperboy, who was only in his teens when Kerouac died. His (or possibly her) mother worked at the local newspaper, the Lowell Sun, and apparently when she worked the night shift, would occasionally give Kerouac a ride home. The author reminisces with the following tale about one of Kerouac’s beer pranks.

One evening, he persuaded them to stop off at Droney’s Pub on Broadway, his favorite, prior to Nicky’s: maybe in December, 1953. At one point he got off a stool and collected all the empty Harvard Ale bottles (brewed in Lowell, now defunct: Kerouac’s favorite beer, in green bottles with a cork). When he had gathered an armful, he re-stoppered them and one by one and slipped them into the old wood-burning Franklin stove in the center of the floor. The few people who did notice him figured he was just stoking the fire (the only source of heat). After he had filled the stove with 15 or 20 bottles he left the lid off and resumed his silent seat at the bar. Within minutes the pub was transformed into a diminutive Pearl Harbor. Kerouac just sat on his stool, surveying his work, laughing like a madman. This is the kind of escapade for which Jack is remembered in Lowell; escapades that poked fun at Lowell people in a loving way.

Apparently Jack Kerouac was known for his pranks, and this was a favorite one. The author speculates that this was his favorite beer, too, but I can’t find any other evidence for that, so who knows? Still, a fun little story.

Harvard-Ale--Labels-Hampden-Harvard-Breweries

Harvard-Ale-Labels-Harvard-Brewing-Company

Filed Under: Beers, Just For Fun, Related Pleasures Tagged With: History, Literature

Beer In Ads #2507: The Pelican, That Feathered Freak

December 31, 2017 By Jay Brooks


Sunday’s ad is for Guinness, from 1952. While the best known Guinness ads were undoubtedly the ones created by John Gilroy, Guinness had other creative ads throughout the same period and afterward, too, which are often overlooked. This ad, one of many that used Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland (at least I think this is one that did) features a pelican, with another one in the background with four bottles of Guinness in his bill, being chased by a zookeeper. And at the bottom is this simple poem:

The Pelican, that feathered freak,
Is famed for his capacious beak.
Guinness provides the reason why —
His bill is for a week’s supply!

Guinness-1952-pelican

Filed Under: Art & Beer, Beers Tagged With: Advertising, Guinness, History, Literature, Poetry

Beer In Ads #2506: The Ostrich, Travelers Recall

December 30, 2017 By Jay Brooks


Saturday’s ad is for Guinness, from 1952. While the best known Guinness ads were undoubtedly the ones created by John Gilroy, Guinness had other creative ads throughout the same period and afterward, too, which are often overlooked. This ad, one of many that used Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland (at least I think this is one that did) features an ostrich, with three more in the background, one of which swallowed the zookeeper’s pint glass. And at the bottom is this simple poem:

The Ostrich, travelers recall,
Enjoys his Guinness, glass and all.
How sad the Guinness takes so long
To get to where it does belong!

Guinness-1952-ostrich

Filed Under: Art & Beer, Beers Tagged With: Advertising, Guinness, History, Literature, Poetry

Beer In Ads #2505: Ma-Supials Have A Pouch, Or Bin

December 29, 2017 By Jay Brooks


Friday’s ad is for Guinness, from 1952. While the best known Guinness ads were undoubtedly the ones created by John Gilroy, Guinness had other creative ads throughout the same period and afterward, too, which are often overlooked. This ad, one of many that used Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland (at least I think this is one that did) features a kangaroo, with another one in the background surprising a zookeeper. And at the bottom is this simple poem:

Ma-supials have a pouch, or bin
To stow their little treasures in.
Not strange if Mrs. Kangaroo
Should poppa a Guinness in it, too!

Guinness-1952-kangaroos

Filed Under: Art & Beer, Beers Tagged With: Advertising, Guinness, History, Literature, Poetry

Beer In Ads #2504: Insatiable Carnivore!

December 28, 2017 By Jay Brooks


Thursday’s ad is for Guinness, from 1952. While the best known Guinness ads were undoubtedly the ones created by John Gilroy, Guinness had other creative ads throughout the same period and afterward, too, which are often overlooked. This ad, one of many that used Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland (at least I think this is one that did) features a roaring lion, with another one in the background chasing a zookeeper who’s holding a bottle and glass of Guinness on a tray. And at the bottom is this simple poem:

Insatiable carnivore!
Oh, how voraciously you roar!
Is it because, like us, you feel
You need a Guinness with your meal?

Guinness-1952-lions

Filed Under: Art & Beer, Beers Tagged With: Advertising, Guinness, History, Literature, Poetry

Beer In Ads #2503: You Must Admire The Sea-Lion’s Flair

December 27, 2017 By Jay Brooks


Wednesday’s ad is for Guinness, from 1952. While the best known Guinness ads were undoubtedly the ones created by John Gilroy, Guinness had other creative ads throughout the same period and afterward, too, which are often overlooked. This ad, one of many that used Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland (at least I think this is one that did) features a couple of sea lions, one of them balancing a glass of Guinness on its nose. And at the bottom is this simple poem:

You must admire the sea-lion’s flair
For catching fishes in mid-air:
And this sagacious creature knows
How well, with sea-food Guinness goes.

Guinness-1952-sea-lions

Filed Under: Art & Beer, Beers Tagged With: Advertising, Guinness, History, Literature, Poetry

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