With two days until the Super Bowl, as big a television party event as there is, the San Francisco Chronicle makes a few suggestions on how to choose the right beer for your party foods. Though the author, Christina Kelly, can’t resist throwing wine into the mix, too, because, of course, she’s a wine writer. And that’s exactly who’d you want to write a piece about beer and food pairings, a wine columnist.

So as a result, wine is the very first word written in one of the few articles one might reasonably expect could be, for a change, all about the beer. She admits “tradition” gives the Super Bowl to beer, but still can’t help talking about how inexpensive wines “work surprisingly well” with “[m]ost game day foods.” Which is, I think, hogwash. Most of the spicy foods enjoyed at the average Super Bowl party distort wine’s flavors. As Garrett Oliver explains it, spicy flavors turn “white wines hot and red wines bitter.”

But the Chronicle’s “rule of thumb” for beer is “the hotter and spicier the food, the darker the beer.” Why would you pair spicy foods with roasted malt flavors like coffee and chocolate? A much better choice would be lighter and/or hoppier beers that can stand up to the spices and cut through them. But of course, she’s probably talking about darker more modestly, insofar as almost everything with flavor is darker than American-style light lager.

So here are the snack foods and their suggestions. I’ll ignore the wine suggestions, as, I think, they should be ignored.

Guacamole

Okay, to be fair she didn’t do too badly here, suggesting a pale ale. I agree with that one though would add that an IPA would work well, too. I don’t know why she mentions an Australian beer, when one from Goose Island or the Pale Ale from Alcatrazz Brewing in Indianapolis would make more sense. Also, she suggests you “try a Pilsner beer like Beck’s,” which I wouldn’t wish on a mortal enemy. If you want a pilsner, get a real one, though I think a richer amber lager would work better anyway. The Super Bowl is a peculiarly American event, what’s with all the imported beer suggestions?

Chili

This is priceless. “A no-brainer here — select a frosty Corona or a Negra Modelo and a wedge of lime. It’s refreshing and the lime works great with chili, no matter how spicy.” I think the brain might be useful here after all, especially to help you avoid a beer with a lime in it and particularly Corona, one of the worst beer choices anyone can make. If I read her sentence again, it sounds like she’s also saying you could put a lime wedge in the Nega Modelo, too. I can’t imagine that’s what she means, but it does read that way.

Better still would be a nice brown ale, like BridgePort’s new Beer Town Brown, or an Irish stout. Even a pale ale or IPA would work better than an insipid Corona. You want something rich enough to stand up to the strong flavors in most chili.

Potato Chips

I know I promised to stay away from the wine suggestions, but I simply can’t imagine pairing cheese Doritos with “a medium and fruity Zinfandel.” I do, however, believe she’s correct when she writes “[p]lain chips work with nearly every beer.” Of course, I love potato chips almost as much as my children, so I’m not exactly rational about this one.

Nachos

If spice and jalapenos dwell on your nachos, go for a malty beer — Anchor Liberty Ale has a firm malt background that will cool the tongue. You can’t go wrong with Anchor Porter either.

Hmm. I’m not sure I think of Anchor Liberty Ale as a big “malty” beer. It’s hops are certainly restrained compared to, say, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, but it’s still a pale ale. If you think malty is the way to go, a marzen or Oktoberfest beer would probably work better. But floral, citrusy hops that’s found in most pale ales and IPAs would also work quite nicely.

Buffalo Wings

With the kind of spicing in buffalo wings, I’m not convinced that a hoppy beer — as she suggests — is the answer. She also states that “spicier needs the darker bitter to take on the hot sauce,” which to me seems to suggest the author believe that dark equals hoppy. Perhaps I’m mis-reading that, but what else could she mean by “darker bitter?”

Actually, I think a maltier beer such as a brown ale, a porter or even an amber ale would pair up much better. The author also mentions that “a hefeweizen brought those wings to their knees” when it was slathered in a red hot sauce, but I can’t see how wheat beer would stand up to it, much less bring them to their knees. But that, at least, I’d be willing to test.

Pizza

Finally we agree. Anderson Valley Brewing’s Boont Amber is an excellent pizza beer, as are most good pale and amber ales, along with marzens and amber lagers, too. Depending on the toppings, I can see an IPA performing well but generally a more well-balanced beer should do the trick.

Overall, Christina Kelly’s article and suggestions aren’t terrible though I do disagree strongly with some of her choices. More importantly, I still don’t quite understand why the media insists on handing out beer assignments to wine writers. That’s quite frustrating both on a personal and professional level. How much more fun would this article have been if the Chronicle had instead asked a wine writer to choose the wine pairings and also hired a beer writer to choose the beers? Let them go head to head. That would have been a much better way to go, in my opinion. In that way, they could have let the reader decide for themselves knowing an expert in each field had made the choices.