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Jay R. Brooks on Beer

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Death By Rattlesnake Beer

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rattlesnake
Continuing my unintentional theme of dead animals and beer, here’s an odd one from the archives of Minnesota news, as highlighted in Yesterday’s News, 140 Years of Minnesota News by Ben Welter. Although reported in the Minneapolis Tribune in 1900, July 19 to be exact, the incident actually occurred in Iowa. The report assures us, however, that it was near the Minnesota border. Since it’s archival, here’s the original news report in its entirety:

DEATH LURKS IN THE BEER

Three Men Die in Agony After Drinking Lager.

By Wire From Fort Dodge, Ia., July 19.

Four young men living in Cerro Gordo county, near the Minnesota line, purchased and drank a keg of Eastern-brewed beer some days ago, and as a result three of them have died and the fourth is now in terrible agony, and is reported to be on the point of death.

The day was warm and the beer was consumed hurriedly by the friends, who little realized that they were sipping a death-dealing draught. They were all taken sick immediately, and although a physician was soon summoned, the taking off of three of the young bibbers could not be prevented.

To ascertain, if possible, the strange cause of the sickness, the keg was broken into and the decomposed remains of a genuine rattlesnake was found. Improbable as the story sounds, it is true; and is rendered plausible by the fact that empty kegs are often left lying around for weeks before being shipped back to the breweries. It is thus easy for reptiles and insects to crawl into the kegs as cool resorts.

The scalding out of the kegs upon their return to the brewery would naturally kill any living organism, which would remain right in the keg. It was only a few years ago that a man here became sick from drinking keg beer and an investigation showed that a dead toad occupied the keg with the beer.

I’m certainly glad sanitation standards in breweries have improved markedly over the last 110 years.

rattlesnake-pint-glass
This mug, believe it or not, is available for purchase at What on Earth.

Lovin’ The Ladies: Beer Ads

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women
My wife pointed this one out to me, and it’s pretty funny despite highlighting some fairly ugly trends in beer advertising by the big breweries and imports towards women. From the Current TV show InfoMania, the clip is introduced as follows:

Everybody loves beer — men, women, children with fake IDs. But beer companies don’t want one of these groups to enjoy their beer: women. Modern Lady Erin Gibson is on the case of how beer companies like Miller, Budweiser, and Heineken have gone from depicting women in commercials as eye candy hanging out with Spuds MacKenzie to the target of aggression and humiliation.

Alcoholismo

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mexico
It appears the U.S. doesn’t have a lock on goofy, over-the-top anti-alcohol propaganda. Mexico has some pretty bad propaganda, too. This comes courtesy of I-Mockery, a humor website, and its founder, Roger Barr, who describes the Mexican Crazy Mexican Monografias: Alcoholismo propaganda:

When it comes to public service announcements, America is really quite tame compared to the rest of the world. While we have the ultra-corny NBC celebrity spots which always end with “The more you know…”, other countries aren’t nearly as sheepish when it comes to displaying the harsh realities of life. This became even clearer to me when I stumbled upon an incredible collection of Mexican monografias posters in the basement of a Philadelphia art gallery last year. Some of them were extremely graphic, and others were pretty friggin’ hilarious… needless to say I purchased one of each.

Barr then goes on, in often hilarious fashion, to translate and comment on each of the images, such as this example below.

alcoholismo

Hmmm, I’m getting a few mixed signals here. From what I can tell, if you become an alcoholic, one of several things can happen to you: a) you can crash your car into a telephone pole, b) you’ll appear in your very own television commercial, or c) you’ll somehow fall into a huge glass of liquor which a giant will then pick up to drink and you’ll die in his stomach. See what I mean? Those Mexicans aren’t gonna shy away from the truth about alcoholism. Harsh reality, people.

And this very surreal piece of art:

alcoholismo-2

“Some bottles of alcohol contain miniature humans who don’t have any genitals, and oh yeah, Death likes to hangout inside bottles too. Kind of like a genie, but the only kind of wish he’ll grant is your wish for the sweet release of death.”

Barr has broken down every one of the nearly two dozen graphic works cautioning people about the dangers of alcohol. And before I get another rash of comments, I’m not making fun of those dangers, just this ridiculous attempt to warn people about them using these illustrations. But take a look for yourself at the Alcoholismo, it’s pretty funny stuff.

alcoholismo-3

Pairing Beer With Your Zodiac Sign

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zodiac
I should confess at the outset that I think astrology is utter nonsense so this person’s attempt to pair with beer the twelve zodiac signs already seems to me to be an exercise in futility, a complete waste of time insofar as I can see no way such a list could ever be remotely useful or accurate. That being said, I can’t help but be curious about her choices. The list was complied by Fern Feto Spring and yes, that’s actually her name. She’s been a professional astrologer since 1990, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and writes primarily at her website Wisestars. To say I find it strange that she’d even attempt to divine what beers people should be drinking according to when they were born is an understatement. Do the results speak for themselves? Oh yeah, but I’ll interject a bit anyway.

zodiac

Here’s her introduction:

There are as many different types of beer as there are people, with a myriad of brands and flavors to choose from. So whether you prefer light or dark beer, ale or stout, there is a beer out there for you. But do you know which beer is most likely to satisfy the inner workings of your astrological sign? Read on to find out what the cosmos have to say about one of America’s most popular beverages.

Where to begin. First of all, if we’re talking about alcoholic beverages, beer is America’s most popular beverage, not one of them, outselling the nearest competitor at least four to one. And, of course, stout is an ale, so I’m not sure about the distinction she’s making there.

So here are her suggestions for what beer should be your favorite, depending on your zodiac sign. If you want to read the full write-ups and her apparent rationale for choosing each beer, check out both part 1 and part 2. To give you an example, here’s the full write-up for Pisces, which is what I happen to be:

Gentle Pisces, your sensitive and poetic imagination encourages you to seek out a beer that has a slightly sweet flavor and an easy finish. You prefer light beers with a fruity signature. Paradise Ale has a flowery influence that is perfect for your artistic self. This beer mixes both new and traditional influences to create a taste that was made for you.

I confess I had to look up the beer, which is one of Theakston’s seasonal beers, Paradise Ale. As far as I know, it’s not one they import and though I’ve been to the UK countless times, I don’t believe I’ve ever run across it. That alone makes it an odd choice. You’d think she would have chosen beers people might actually have a good shot at finding.

The full list:

  • Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Anchor Humming Ale
  • Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): Theakston Paradise Ale
  • Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Killian’s Irish Red (Coors)
  • Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): Guinness Stout
  • Gemini (May 21–June 21): Corona, with a slice of lime
  • Cancer (June 22–July 22): Newcastle Brown Ale
  • Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Chimay
  • Virgo (Aug. 23–Sep. 22): Anchor Summer Ale
  • Libra (Sep. 23–Oct. 23): Smithwick’s Draught
  • Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): Theakston Old Peculiar
  • Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Russian River Pliny the Younger
  • Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Samuel Smith Indian Pale Ale (sic)

It’s an eclectic list to say the least. Two Anchor beers, one which they’ll likely not be making very often. Two from Theakston. Smithwick’s Irish Ale was imported around 2004, but has since been pulled from the American market. The list is certainly UK heavy given that she’s in the Bay Area. On the plus side, she’s included Pliny the Elder and Chimay, though not specifying which Chimay. But then there’s Corona, Killian’s and Newcastle.

As I said at the outset, silly and pointless, but there you have it. I’m stuck on an airplane with nothing but silly and pointless to entertain me. Perhaps instead of the cliched pick-up line “what’s your sign” this will inspire people to change it to “what’s your beer?” That’s a line I could get behind.

They Said It Couldn’t Be Done

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guinness-glass
Since it’s St. Patrick’s Day tomorrow and for most people that means Guinness, here’s a little reminder of something in Guinness’ recent past that I imagine they’d rather remained buried. But it’s just too funny not to share. In 1979, Guinness released a low-calorie beer they called “Guinness Light.” According to Ireland Fun Facts, “people here still talk about the advertising campaign, which used the tagline ‘they said it couldn’t be done.’ Apparently it couldn’t. Guinness Light flopped so sensationally it earned the title ‘The HMS Titanic of stout products’ from The Irish Times.”

It’s not hard to see why. I can scarcely imagine something more oxymoronic than Guinness Light. But for true liquid-shooting-out-your-nose laughs, watch the uber-bombastic television commercial that attempts to equate the beer with man landing on the moon. With bonus points for using the sunrise fanfare from “Thus Spake Zarathustra” by Richard Strauss (trust me, you’ll know it when you hear it), I love the editing of the people turning their heads quickly toward the camera and the faux echo chamber voice over. Just hilarious. But put your drink down first. Enjoy.

Food Hates You, Too

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tomato
Every Sunday I take the kids to the library. I’m a voracious reader, and I’m grateful to an aunt, and to some extent my mother, for instilling in me that passion for books and literature. So it’s very important to me that I try to do the same for my own kids, and so far they both love books. Last Sunday, my daughter Alice picked out a book called Food Hates You, Too and Other Poems by Robert Weinstock.

food-hates-1

The cover alone was reason enough, but some of the poems are pretty funny. My kids are also following in my food phobic footsteps and are very picky eaters. I’m better now — not exactly cured — but my Mom would be spinning in her grave if she knew all the foods I’ve eaten since I moved out of her house.

So the titular poem Food Hates You, Too is a pretty funny concept about how some of the food we don’t like might hate us, too.

The opening stanza:

If everyone hates different foods,
Then couldn’t it be true
That creamed chipped beef dislikes Gertrude,
And liver gags on Lou.

And here’s the final two quatrains:

If cotton candy, apple pie,
And french fries looked at you
And said, “Gross! Blecchh! Nope, I won’t try.
I’ll never like it. Ew!

I’m sure you’d say, “Hey! That’s no fair!
Give me a chance! You should
Just try me. Pretty please? I swear!!
With sugar on top …? I’m good!”

food-hates-4

There are maybe two dozen fun poems for kids in the book, most of them about food. The Cheese Sonnet is great and so is a short one about two pieces of Toast named Ned and Fred. But I’ll leave you with a final poem entitled Doughnuts.

I go nuts for doughnuts,
All tingles from Pringles
And swoony from bacon,
If I’m not mistaken.

Indeed I do.

Bill Hicks Movie Coming

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bill-hicks
Please indulge me for a moment as I go off topic, beery news will follow. Regular Bulletin readers will know I’m a huge fan of the late stand-up comedian Bill Hicks, who died in 1994. Even though he’s been gone 16 years, his comedy is as fresh and relevant as it was then, a testament to how far ahead of his time he was and how universal his message was. I saw his act live at least a dozen times, probably more, and even had the pleasure of meeting him after a show once and chatting briefly. At every one of those shows, at least one person, and sometimes more, would get offended and leave. That was because Hicks challenged his audiences to not just laugh at his jokes, but to think about ideas and consider inequities in the world. In short, he made some people feel uncomfortable who weren’t ready to confront the world’s hypocrisies and their role in them. He was nothing short of a genius in that regard. Since his death, his popularity has continued to grow in the UK, where people “got” Bill. Over here, sadly, he’s been largely forgotten.

But there’s a new documentary film coming out, American: The Bill Hicks Story, and it’s premiering tonight in the U.S. at the SXSW Festival in Austin, Texas. There’s also a Facebook page for the film. No word yet on when or if it will get a wide theater release, but fingers crossed, you’ll be able to see it soon at a theater near you. As the filmmakers have asked people to help them spread the word about the film, below is the trailer for it. If it comes to your town, go see it. I can’t, of course, vouch for the film-making (though the trailer looks good), I can vouch for the subject matter. Bill Hicks deserves to be more widely known, and especially the ideas he espoused during his lifetime.

Your Worst Nightmare

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n-a
I probably shouldn’t speak for you, but this is certainly my worst nightmare. I tweeted this yesterday, but thought it still deserving of a snarky comment again today. Somewhere near Manchester, England is the Alcohol-Free Shop, a store dedicated to all things non-alcoholic. They carry non-alcoholic beer, wine, cider, ready-made cocktails and celebration drinks. They actually don’t carry that many different N/A Beers — are there very many? — but have plenty of other products.

But here’s the one think that actually bothers me. The company’s motto, slogan, whatever is “alcohol-free is good for you.” My problem with that is, of course, it’s not remotely true. Study after study has shown that people who drink moderately live longer, and are generally healthier, than people who either drink too much or abstain altogether. Being alcohol-free is therefore, in effect, bad for you. It’s good for you at all.

alco-free

Under the heading Why Choose Alcohol Free?, they suggest “it is also recommended that we all have at least two alcohol-free days a week.” I’ve never heard that one before, have you? And how convenient that the first place I’ve heard it is a place trying to sell non-alcoholic drinks.

Then there’s this gem:

Our range of non-alcoholic, alcohol-free, and de-alcoholised drinks give people the opportunity to still enjoy a glass of wine with a meal or a bottle of beer on a sunny terrace and keep within healthy alcohol-consumption limits.

I’ve only had a few N/A wines but the ones I’ve tried were every bit as bad as the N/A beers. If you want to lay off the alcohol for a night, just have something naturally non-alcoholic, not an impostor that tastes like crap anyway. What’s the point?

Here’s their list of when and who might want non-alcoholic drinks:

  • Healthy lifestyles [except it’s healthier to drink alcohol moderately]
  • Sports and fitness enthusiasts [wasn’t there something last year about beer being better to hydrate with after a work-out than water?]
  • Weight watchers [except the calorie difference doesn’t make up for the flavor differential]
  • Drivers [sure, but just take the night off if you’re the DD]
  • Expectant mums [actually, some moderate alcohol is fine according to most MD’s]
  • Expectant dads [huh?]
  • Nursing mothers [many pediatricians recommend a beer a day to promote lactation]
  • People on medication [if you’re sick, you’re probably not out drinking]
  • People suffering some illnesses [see previous comment]
  • Alcoholics
  • People with mental health problems [if I’m crazy, I’m drinking, but maybe that’s just me]
  • Religious observations

Beer Waterfall

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humor
In a scene straight out of a deranged adult version of Willy Wonka, the beer waterfall on the belated birthday card below arrived in my mailbox today.

beer-waterfall
The card was primarily the work of my friends Ray and Cornelia, both Beer Drinkers of the Year in separate years. But they took it along with them to Brewvival in Charleston, South Carolina and had a few more friends sign it, which was very cool of them. There were separate notes from Julie and Jason from Brusin’ Ales and also Patrick Rue, from the Bruery. Then there’s another birthday greeting from a name I can’t quite read, though the initials look like G.H. Of course, it’s the thought that counts and I really appreciated getting the card. Thanks guys!

But there was one more note, from the John Hancock of the signatories, big and bold. His (or her) message took up nearly the entire inside left side with the following: “I want to see this in your fucking blog!” So how could I refuse? If only I could figure out the identity of my mystery person. Here’s his signature below. Any guesses?

cheers-unknown