Brookston Beer Bulletin

Jay R. Brooks on Beer

Socialize

Pull-Tab Craftiness

By

pull-tab
When I was searching yesterday for images to use for my post about pull-tabs, I was surprised by how many websites there are devoted to finding other uses for the little aluminum pull-tabs, both the old-style ones and the more modern one-piece tabs. There are so many of these and they’re so inventive I thought I’d share a few of them. This is just the tip of the iceberg, there’s a whole world of DIY, recycling and craft people who are finding amazing ways to use the discarded pull-tabs. So here we are, from head to toe:

tabs-hat
Here’s a kid’s hat and shirt, and there are lots more at the wonderfully named Art of Tabistry.

tabs-tabshirt
Here’s a woman’s top from Apocalypse Creations Chainmail in Canada, whose website is no longer available.

tabs-vest
And a colorful vest by Tiffany, posted on Craftster.

tabs-dress
How about a dress made entirely of pull-tabs? Here’s one posted at Recyclart.

tabs-shoes
And let’s not forget the shoes, shown at This Next.

tabs-armor
Or if you want to be covered head to knee, here’s an entire suit of pull-tab armor, from Geekologie, but the website, http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/impressive_kid_makes_beercan_t.php is currently been hacked and is showing as Malware.

tabs-purse
And don’t forget to accessorize with this fetching purse, also from This Next.

tabs-chair
In case you get tired wearing all that heavy metal, here’s a pull tab chair for you to sit down and rest made by Studio G.

I can’t say I’d actually wear any of them, but they impressive nonetheless. Enjoy.

Beer In Ads #67: Guinness’ Why Was The Hatter Mad?

By

ad-billboard
Wednesday’s ad, since it’s St. Patrick’s Day, is for Guinness, but I wanted to pick one that wasn’t by John Gilroy. This one is a spoof of Alice in Wonderland from I don’t know when. The art is similar, of course, but it seems later. Beginning in 1903, numerous films have been made based on Lewis Carroll’s surreal story, but the Disney version from 1951 probably did more to popularize the story than any other, especially for kids. So based on that I’m just guessing this was before that since the artwork looks more inspired by the original illustrator, John Tenniel, than Walt. Anyway, the text spoofing the scene with the Mad Hatter is pretty funny. Happy Stout Day.

guinness-alice

Why Was the Hatter Mad?

“Have some Guinness!” said the March Hare.
“I don’t see any Guinness,” Alice replied.
“There isn’t any” said the March Hare.
“Then you must be mad to offer me some!” said Alice indignantly.
“It’s after hours,” said the Hatter, “and we can’t get any. That’s enough to make anyone mad.”
“But surely you could have ordered some to drink at home,” said Alice.
“There!” said the March Hare. “We never though of that. That just shows how mad we must be.”

They Said It Couldn’t Be Done

By

guinness-glass
Since it’s St. Patrick’s Day tomorrow and for most people that means Guinness, here’s a little reminder of something in Guinness’ recent past that I imagine they’d rather remained buried. But it’s just too funny not to share. In 1979, Guinness released a low-calorie beer they called “Guinness Light.” According to Ireland Fun Facts, “people here still talk about the advertising campaign, which used the tagline ‘they said it couldn’t be done.’ Apparently it couldn’t. Guinness Light flopped so sensationally it earned the title ‘The HMS Titanic of stout products’ from The Irish Times.”

It’s not hard to see why. I can scarcely imagine something more oxymoronic than Guinness Light. But for true liquid-shooting-out-your-nose laughs, watch the uber-bombastic television commercial that attempts to equate the beer with man landing on the moon. With bonus points for using the sunrise fanfare from “Thus Spake Zarathustra” by Richard Strauss (trust me, you’ll know it when you hear it), I love the editing of the people turning their heads quickly toward the camera and the faux echo chamber voice over. Just hilarious. But put your drink down first. Enjoy.

Food Hates You, Too

By

tomato
Every Sunday I take the kids to the library. I’m a voracious reader, and I’m grateful to an aunt, and to some extent my mother, for instilling in me that passion for books and literature. So it’s very important to me that I try to do the same for my own kids, and so far they both love books. Last Sunday, my daughter Alice picked out a book called Food Hates You, Too and Other Poems by Robert Weinstock.

food-hates-1

The cover alone was reason enough, but some of the poems are pretty funny. My kids are also following in my food phobic footsteps and are very picky eaters. I’m better now — not exactly cured — but my Mom would be spinning in her grave if she knew all the foods I’ve eaten since I moved out of her house.

So the titular poem Food Hates You, Too is a pretty funny concept about how some of the food we don’t like might hate us, too.

The opening stanza:

If everyone hates different foods,
Then couldn’t it be true
That creamed chipped beef dislikes Gertrude,
And liver gags on Lou.

And here’s the final two quatrains:

If cotton candy, apple pie,
And french fries looked at you
And said, “Gross! Blecchh! Nope, I won’t try.
I’ll never like it. Ew!

I’m sure you’d say, “Hey! That’s no fair!
Give me a chance! You should
Just try me. Pretty please? I swear!!
With sugar on top …? I’m good!”

food-hates-4

There are maybe two dozen fun poems for kids in the book, most of them about food. The Cheese Sonnet is great and so is a short one about two pieces of Toast named Ned and Fred. But I’ll leave you with a final poem entitled Doughnuts.

I go nuts for doughnuts,
All tingles from Pringles
And swoony from bacon,
If I’m not mistaken.

Indeed I do.

Beer In Art #69: Alex Caldwell’s Typographic Beer Destinations

By

art-beer
Today’s work of art was originally created while Alex Caldwell was still in college, a project presumably for one of his classes at Philadelphia University. It’s called Typographic Beer Destinations and tells the story in type of a journey from home to Philadelphia.

Typographic-Beer-Directions

But not just any journey, a trip involving stops at beer destination every ten minutes along the way. And like any great journey, it begins with someone calling “shotgun.” Here’s the story of the work:

This assignment was to simply create a poster with directions from our home (Central New Jersey for myself) to Philadelphia. I themed it around the idea of getting a beer every ten minutes at a different bar along the way. I tried to convey the idea of a drunken night by making it jumbled and somewhat confusing. I also threw in some random things that one might have said in this adventure. All the directions are there though.

Click through to see the image much larger. Especially check out the warning label, which reads:

Government Warning: (1) The artist does not condone drinking and driving. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems. (3) If drinking, get a designated driver and make sure to call shotgun.

You can also buy a copy of the print, in three different sizes.

Caldwell graduated the year after he made this, and freelances at his own Caldwell Designs. You call also see more of his work at his DeviantArt gallery.

Your Worst Nightmare

By

n-a
I probably shouldn’t speak for you, but this is certainly my worst nightmare. I tweeted this yesterday, but thought it still deserving of a snarky comment again today. Somewhere near Manchester, England is the Alcohol-Free Shop, a store dedicated to all things non-alcoholic. They carry non-alcoholic beer, wine, cider, ready-made cocktails and celebration drinks. They actually don’t carry that many different N/A Beers — are there very many? — but have plenty of other products.

But here’s the one think that actually bothers me. The company’s motto, slogan, whatever is “alcohol-free is good for you.” My problem with that is, of course, it’s not remotely true. Study after study has shown that people who drink moderately live longer, and are generally healthier, than people who either drink too much or abstain altogether. Being alcohol-free is therefore, in effect, bad for you. It’s good for you at all.

alco-free

Under the heading Why Choose Alcohol Free?, they suggest “it is also recommended that we all have at least two alcohol-free days a week.” I’ve never heard that one before, have you? And how convenient that the first place I’ve heard it is a place trying to sell non-alcoholic drinks.

Then there’s this gem:

Our range of non-alcoholic, alcohol-free, and de-alcoholised drinks give people the opportunity to still enjoy a glass of wine with a meal or a bottle of beer on a sunny terrace and keep within healthy alcohol-consumption limits.

I’ve only had a few N/A wines but the ones I’ve tried were every bit as bad as the N/A beers. If you want to lay off the alcohol for a night, just have something naturally non-alcoholic, not an impostor that tastes like crap anyway. What’s the point?

Here’s their list of when and who might want non-alcoholic drinks:

  • Healthy lifestyles [except it’s healthier to drink alcohol moderately]
  • Sports and fitness enthusiasts [wasn’t there something last year about beer being better to hydrate with after a work-out than water?]
  • Weight watchers [except the calorie difference doesn’t make up for the flavor differential]
  • Drivers [sure, but just take the night off if you’re the DD]
  • Expectant mums [actually, some moderate alcohol is fine according to most MD’s]
  • Expectant dads [huh?]
  • Nursing mothers [many pediatricians recommend a beer a day to promote lactation]
  • People on medication [if you’re sick, you’re probably not out drinking]
  • People suffering some illnesses [see previous comment]
  • Alcoholics
  • People with mental health problems [if I’m crazy, I’m drinking, but maybe that’s just me]
  • Religious observations

Beer Waterfall

By

humor
In a scene straight out of a deranged adult version of Willy Wonka, the beer waterfall on the belated birthday card below arrived in my mailbox today.

beer-waterfall
The card was primarily the work of my friends Ray and Cornelia, both Beer Drinkers of the Year in separate years. But they took it along with them to Brewvival in Charleston, South Carolina and had a few more friends sign it, which was very cool of them. There were separate notes from Julie and Jason from Brusin’ Ales and also Patrick Rue, from the Bruery. Then there’s another birthday greeting from a name I can’t quite read, though the initials look like G.H. Of course, it’s the thought that counts and I really appreciated getting the card. Thanks guys!

But there was one more note, from the John Hancock of the signatories, big and bold. His (or her) message took up nearly the entire inside left side with the following: “I want to see this in your fucking blog!” So how could I refuse? If only I could figure out the identity of my mystery person. Here’s his signature below. Any guesses?

cheers-unknown

A Beer With The Last Good Kiss

By

reading-book
Because I write for a living, I take it seriously and am always trying to be a better writer. For that reason, I subscribe to several twitter feeds that offer suggestions and advice for writers. One recently linked to an interesting list, the 100 Best First Lines of Novels. Number one, of course, is “Call me Ishmael,” from Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. It was fun to see what made the list, but I happened upon a book I’d never heard of with a very cool first line. The book is called The Last Good Kiss by James Crumley, written in 1978.

last-good-kiss

It made number 85 on the list, with the following first line:

When I finally caught up with Abraham Trahearne, he was drinking beer with an alcoholic bulldog named Fireball Roberts in a ramshackle joint just outside of Sonoma, California, drinking the heart right out of a fine spring afternoon.

One critic described Crumley’s writing as a “cross between Raymond Chandler and Hunter S. Thompson,” which puts him in good company as far as I’m concerned. Another account said “The Last Good Kiss has been described as “the most influential crime novel of the last 50 years” and yet I’d never heard of it. I was intrigued enough to order the book.

GoodKiss
For the Vintage paperback edition, Rick Lovell, did this great illustration with the alcoholic dog Fireball Roberts lapping up beer from an ashtray in a seedy looking motel. In case you’re curious, the painting on the back wall is La Grande Odalisque by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres, the original of which hangs in the Louvre. This could easily be included in my Beer In Art series.

Literature and the English Pub

By

pub-sign
If you’re a fan of great English literature and its relationship to the traditional pub, you may enjoy this program from BBC 4. It was first broadcast March 1 and will be available to listen to on the BBC’s archive until this Saturday, March 6. Here’s the description of it from the website:

From Falstaff at The Boar’s Head to John Self at The Shakespeare in Martin Amis’s Money, English literature and the pub are intertwined. It started in a pub — Chaucer’s pilgrims setting out from The Tabard in Southwark — and has been waiting to be chucked out ever since. Robert Hanks presents an elegy for pubs in literature and an exploration of what the smoking ban, the gastro pub and the five quid pint are going to do to writing.

It’s just under an hour long, but goes by quickly if you love this sort of thing, as I do. So settle in with a beer and give it a listen. Thanks to my friend Glenn Payne for letting me know about this fascinating show.

Beer Birthday: J (Yes, Embarrasing Myself This Time)

By

brookston
Today is my 51st birthday, and I’ve been overwhelmed by an embarrassment of riches from well-wishers sending me notes via e-mail, Twitter and Facebook. Thanks to one and all. Since it’s usually me posting embarrassing photos of my friends and colleagues, last year I posted a bunch encompassing my first 50 years on a page entitled Beer Birthday Overkill. From old baby photos to the high fashion of the 70s and beyond, they’re still up and good for a chuckle. So again in a spirit of fair play and transparency, here are a few more cringe-worthy photos from my days of youthful indiscretions.

confirmation-bowtie
Another classic from the early 70s, around 1972 or 73 when I was 13 or 14. It was taken for a church directory when the Lutheran Church I attended was celebrating their 100-year anniversary, or something like that. My Mom actually made the jacket and, no offense to her, but she was not the finest seamstress to peddle a sewing machine. You gotta love the butterfly bow-tie look. I’m sure glad that died a much-deserved fashion death.

wd37
At Woodstock (’94 — I’m not that old!) and yes, that’s a can of Miller Genuine Draft I’m holding. After a few days in the mud, we couldn’t be very picky or stand on ceremony about using the proper glass, sad to say. The sleepy-looking fellow next to me is Jim Noecker, my oldest friend in the world, who I’ve known since we were in kindergarten together.

sarah-10
While I can’t recall the exact details of where or when this photo was taken, it was definitely on one of my first dates with my wife Sarah, which places it around 1993 or so, roughly seventeen years ago. Good god, we look young.

There’s many more where these came from, just check out Beer Birthday Overkill and thanks again for all the birthday wishes.